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Power Rankings

The Kozak-Less Power Rankings — Season 18 Barely Legal – March 13, 2019 By Ben Hunt & Aaron Sayama - March 13, 2019

  1. Disrespectful Wit It (Gold) 2-0:

    Same captain and QB combo (Antwon/AJ) as last season, same jersey color, still everyone’s least favorite team. Though, tiny force Jack Blaney was the real standout this week and proved this roster is more than AJ’s gnarly manbun. The team this week:

  2. Gettin' Piggy With It (Pink) 2-0:

    Sensing a theme? Same captain and QB combo (Mable/Sanders) as two seasons ago, same jersey color – but at least they aren’t Gold! Hard not to get a few warm fuzzies at Mable’s sexy tribal tat and Sanders’ golden bowlcut complete w/ sweet smile. Speaking of that bowlcut, I am hearing folks out here asking about what McCauley Sanders really did at MJ’s sleepovers…   

  3. Not Today Satan (Red) 2-0:

    My boy JJ Johnson catching a deep post before tumbling into the mud for a near TD against Cammas’ Teal team is all you need to know about this team’s depth. Dominant on offense with a litany of studly man-machines, and with a little tightening on defense, give us another week or two to be #1 atop the Kozaks. You cant stop us, you can only hope to contain us. And sorry if you don’t hear back, we’ll be leaving the rest of the league’s texts on read.

  4. ClapBlacks (Black) 1-1:

    Hotch’s team is the real deal. Yeah, I said it. Your favorite Commissioner has put together a talented and versatile team that fits his QB style (possession WRs with good hands and size (Carter, Hogue, Shaginaw, Wilson) a nasty offensive line led by Mean Ken Green and Senior Statesman Tony Stewart, and a SLOW (like, think frozen molasses), churning offense that uses the ENTIRE. PLAYCLOCK. EVERY. PLAY. means your team will only get the ball 2x a half as they lull you to sleep. If Hotch keeps up with 1 turnover every two games, I’m calling SLEEPER ALERT (pun 3) on this team.

  5. LTBA (Baby Blue) 2-0:

    Admittedly, I haven’t seen this team play. Yes, they are 2-0, but I’m not convinced on paper they are the real deal. They beat a Marvin-less Teal week 1, and then a Kelly team that I’m not sure is top 8. I guess we’ll see. Ready to be proven wrong.

  6. Grab My Graphite (Graphite) 1-1:

    After the most lopsided win in week 1 (28 points), team Graphene or Graphing Calculator (bunch of nerds on this team, led by my roommate Aaron) – or whatever shade of grey they are – proved that it was only because they played Maroon week 1 that they had people turning heads right off the bat. Granted they were in a shoot out with a top Gold team all the way through until falling apart late. Cameron “I-said-I’d-miss-every-regular-season-game-on-the-registration-survey” Burrell seems to be showing up weekly and playing hard, but I’m not sure they will end in the top 5 after the regular season. Still:

  7. Sexual Tealing (Teal) 0-2:

    The red team’s thrashing of Cammas and Marvin last Sunday not withstanding, this team is aggressive, well-rounded, and not prone to mistakes. With Marvin “likely to miss the first 4-6 weeks with a bad ankle… just kidding I’m here week 2” Washington, Ben “I’m the best WR in the league just ask me after 5+ drinks at the Goose” McEvoy and Justin “Somehow I just Randy Mossed Andy Allen last sunday” Parker playing well, I would predict a turn around and a 5-4 finish at worst for this team.

  8. PurPaul's Drag Race (Purple) 1-1:

    This team reminds us of the Los Angeles rams without a Sean McBae – big name players favored to win preseason, yet finishing with no trophy. While I assume the Rams’ coach sideline handler has been solicited to ensure Pearce shows up to games, I’m still not sure this team has the Hollywood glam beyond its captain/QB combo to make a deep run. My guess is Hof-berg will be spending less time on the field this season and more time at the hof-brau.

  9. Pulp Friction (Orange) :

    Your author loves nothing more than to watch a Brandon Waggoner on field implosion. Watching his rocky, emotional games/seasons are like enjoying a strong Camembert – something about it feels off and expired, but its intense bouquet lends to a sweet and indulgent finish rarely found elsewhere on earth. I strongly suggest you try it. I predict at or around .500 with a potential for a playoff push provided his team doesn’t circle the waggons on him.

  10. A Team Has No Name (Forest Green) 1-1:

    Rookie QB Keith won his first ever game week 1 and followed that by getting ravaged by Pink – which, as a straight qb in this league, doesn’t sound half bad. A decent roster and Derrick “I’m the best rusher in the league and I’ve had zero drinks” Johnson at the helm and this team could really go either way.

  11. Wicked Bitches of the West (Kelly) 1-1:

    What can I say, I bet this team has fun?

  12. Limey Wankers (Lime) 0-2:

    This should be a really easy, unemotional season for coach Joe Heron. Winning will come often and with grace, his team is likely to share in kumbaya drum circles post game, turtle doves will carry the  ball into the endzone for them, and it will be as if peace on earth had suddenly taken root and no child had to ever go to sleep hungry. Like a moth to a flame so too does Joe Heron covet rolling the dice on a straight rookie QB. Actual footage of Joe putting out my friend Justin’s flame:

  13. Navy Gravy (Navy) 0-2:

    36 pts in in 2 games means this team only scored 3x each game and got zero extra points? Even Cody Parkey could get a few through the uprights. Don’t worry Vincent: Sean will be back next week… and the supplemental draft is right around the corner.

  14. Rust and Bust (Maroon) 0-2:

    12 points in 2 games? This team is more virginal than that guy on the Bachelor