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Gay Flag Football League
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Power Rankings

Season XV – Week 8 (Author: Cameron Burrell) - November 8, 2017

  1. Whorange (Safety Orange) 8 - 1:

    With yet another statement win, Whorange clinched a #1 seed. Who would have thought that drafting a bunch of bottoms would land first-time captain Steven Gong on top!? During their first-round bye, the team is planning an intervention to help a questioning Bryan Sanders out of the closet/trashcan. If Bill Cammas could do it, so can you! Wait, Cammas hasn’t come out yet?! …Gurl, BYE!

  2. Jordashians (Black) 8 - 1:

    The Black team, aka Jordashians (aka Regina George and the plastics) is definitely one of the teams to beat. In a commanding win over the Orange team, Captain Jordan Anderson continues to put on his show of talent and athleticism that the rest of the league is just trying to keep up with. But if you’re also listening, you might be less than impressed with his Janet Jackson whisper vocals…

  3. SandJobs (Sand) 8 - 1:

    Rookie Captain TJ Baggett quietly put together a hell of a team. Also, I firmly believe the SandJobs are unshadable (trust me, it’s a word). Good people, ample amounts of talent, and athleticism… How could a team like this not win the championship this year? Well, kind of like this team…

     

    Not pictured: SandJobs own Mark Hofberg

    Disclaimer: Before BB steals my number again from someone to text me that I’m being childish, notice that I’m also in the photo *Insert eye-roll*. If you can’t shade yourself, how the hell are you going to shade someone else?

  4. Katniss Everqueens (Forest) 7 - 2:

    Oooooooh…Lindsay Walton pulled a move from the book of Beyoncé. She turned to Captain Evan Binder and said, “You’ve worked hard all season long, Captain. Just sit back. I’ll take care of business this week.”… And that she did with a TD and INT over Graphite! …Yes, Lindsay, you better SLAY and cater to your man …I mean, Captain.

  5. Look What Your Baby Blue (Baby Blue) 7 - 2:

    I’m not one to subscribe to false narratives and ignorant stereotypes. So let’s just say it was real “stingy” of Adam Robbins and Adam Strasburg to keep every stat against Neon Green for themselves. Greedy Mofos! If only they weren’t too cheap to buy their QB a much needed new shoulder and knee to help keep their championship dreams alive. Till then Brandon will just have to keep drinking from ‪the fountain‬ of youthful PA twinks.

  6. Jacked O Lanterns (Orange) 6 - 3:

    Orange lost to the extremely talented Black team! That just sounds wrong. This loss is a wound that I won’t dig deeper into. Trust me; Orange’s performance was bad enough. Maybe it was because QB RJ wasn’t there, but no one really noticed as the next cute-straight-white-guy CJ slipped right in as QB.

  7. Bananagrabbers (Power Yellow) 5 - 4:

    Captain James Santos needs to be a bit less worried about Cameron’s social media activity and more concerned about the status of his wounded and failing team. Don’t worry sis, I’ll teach you how to “Towel Tuesday” and win at the same time! However, first you need to get one of those tasks right before taking on the other. Anyway, tune into Cam’s Snapchat for “Washcloth Wednesdays!”

    Santos…

  8. AC Slaters (Slate) 5 - 4:

    Slate barely squeaked out a win over Navy Blue this week. Side Note – Ever wonder how it must feel to be Dameron Rendell carrying around all that booty? Just ask Nikki Kasparek. She’s been carrying this talented but under-performing Slate team all season.

    This really is my favorite team to support every week. No, not to painfully watch an old dog attempt to learn new tricks cc: Donald Mitchell playing QB this season. However, it’s to stand on the sidelines and stare at my league crush from afar.

  9. Power Blue Pussy Whips (Power Blue) 4 - 5:

    Though Power Blue suffered a second-half collapse to Purple, Aaron Beck showed up and showed out, earning the MVP this week for his team. Hey Aaron, that’s a good thing, be happy, smile, do anything that shows you have even the least bit of human emotion. I’ll settle for two blinks and a finger twitch! Anyway, this is a team I’m rooting for in the playoffs.

  10. Milk Me (White) 4 - 5:

    Typical AJ Reust to resort to trash talking when his team is getting their butts kicked. Hey, AJ …School was in session and our rookies provided you with lessons all game long. My TD over you at the end was simply to drive their points home. Shout-out to Bryan Sanders for the idea! But, let’s talk about the person who we all know wears the pants on this team. Ms Livingstone put a hit on me off of the line that literally left me speechless. *Insert those dramatic hand-claps that make everything sound more dramatic* “I. WAS. NOT. READY.” Well done, Amanda.

  11. Diamonds in the Scruff (Graphite) 4 - 5:

    Graphite lost to a tough Forrest Green team this week. What were they thinking taking on the likes of Bill Cammas and Lindsay Walton without Captain Alonzo Mable? Instead of being there for their teams, I heard he and Jamar Walker took their go-go gadget knee braces to the dance floors of Cali!

     

    Meanwhile OG Pham played a hell of a game, but still came up a bit …short! Oh c’mon, I had to.

  12. Get In My Kelly (Kelly Green) 5 - 4:

    Kelly Green steam-rolled Royal Blue 36 – 0! Wait, it was a forfeit? Like, Kelly Green was just given those points? OK, well that makes sense now. Ain’t no way in hell Kelly Green is beating any team 36 – 0! I thought I was reporting alternative facts. Well congrats Kelly Green. Kill it in the playoffs. You guys definitely have some weapons on your team. Haha …again with those alternative facts!

  13. Plums Of Steel (Purple) 5 - 4:

    My morals won’t allow me to shade someone based on age, rapidly declining skills and abilities, or someone that couldn’t catch a cold in the North Pole. So pretty much the majority of this team is safe this week. Which is fair given their victory over Power Blue without behemoths Gerard Burley and Jason Deters (Hmm maybe this team is better without them?). Also, what’s with shading Sam Brown for earning the MVP? He’s dedicated and hard-working. I respect that. However, who is this kickball cross-over, Matt Pesesky that earned MVP this week? #MakeMVPsGreatAgain

  14. Queens of WesterHOES (Royal Blue) 3 - 6:

    A forfeit? Really? I guess the commissioner’s team is just like the old commissioner: they like to waste people’s time.

  15. Green Eggs & D (Neon Green) 2 - 7:

    Speaking of which, Neon Green lost terribly to a stingy Baby Blue team… Apparently, this team is ok with losing and just wants to have fun. Well, next season could you do us all a favor and just sign up for Stonewall Kickball? I mean, really! Men at work here.

  16. Buns of Teal (Teal) 3 - 6:

    Teal is so much better than their 3 – 6 record suggests. Allow this team to find their stride in the playoffs and there’s no telling what could happen. However, I refuse to give you props for your victory over Red this week. That’s like a parent paying their child to make their bed. NO! That’s just something that’s supposed to happen.

  17. Red THOT Chili Peppers (Red) 2 - 7:

    Dear iCandy, Andy Allen. If you don’t want to show up for the games to aid your team, at least show up to help the opposing team pass the time by. For some, staring at you for an hour and a half is worth the pointless on-field play stomping all over your team. I think I speak for the league with that one. Bryant Burnheimer, could you also help out with Bryan Sander’s intervention? I heard this league helped you out of the closet as well. It would be good to have someone that Sanders could look up to.

  18. Pink FlamingHos (Pink) 2 - 7:

    I can’t believe I’m about to give a team with so much talent props for just barely beating a struggling Gold team. What more can this league do to better support you guys? You received a supplemental pick. That makes three top travel players on the team and you’re still only 2 – 7. Well, at least you all look pretty in pink!

  19. Euron Gayjoys (Navy) 1 - 8:

    I’m pretty sure this team just signed up for the free water on the sidelines. Stay thirsty my friends.

  20. GoldiCocks (Gold) 1 - 8:

    OMG, I’m supposed to narrate this? I can’t …I just can’t. I give up! …And apparently the GoldiCocks have too!

    Except for Stephanie. She can stay. I like her.