Season XV – Playoffs (Author: Evan Binder) - November 14, 2017
Jordashians (Black) 8 - 1:
Little does Jordan know that next season, I’ve got my friends Barry Mitzherald, Leon Zanders, and Sandy Boss joining the league. But don’t worry, they’re washed up and should all go in the 11th round.
Also, when did you get here, skinny Guy Fieri??
Whorange (Safety Orange) 8 - 1:
These power rankings (and snapchat) have seen enough attention paid to Russell Westbrook’s, er I mean Cam Burrell’s stat chasing, so let’s give it up for the true MVP Scott Graham, who led the highest scoring offense, threw only 3 INTs, and managed to never get sub-tweeted!
SandJobs (Sand) 8 - 1:
Yes, Sand has done a great job getting to the semis with only one loss along the way. And yet, I can’t shake the feeling that this team is the Justin Guarini to some other team’s Kelly Clarkson. Who’s Justin Guarini, you ask? Exactly.
AC Slaters (Slate) 5 - 4:
I can’t decide what I’m more jealous of: Slate, not Forest, being the three seed to make it to the final four, or the 1000+ likes that Jamar got on his engagement post on facebook.
Look What Your Baby Blue (Baby Blue) 7 - 2:
There once was a possibility that Baby Blue could win it all. There’s complete certainty that I will wake up on the Monday after the championship party to approximately 764 pictures of JC sticking his tongue out.
Milk Me (White) 4 - 5:
If only DCGFFL had post game press conferences. I can see it now: Paul Guequierre arguing about the refs, Amanda and Tom half-heartedly defending their teammates while being embarrassed by them, AJ yelling about whatever AJ yells about, and Nix mumbling some words that may or may not be a sentence before grabbing a drink and/or taking a nap. And that assumes he even makes it to the press conference.
Katniss Everqueens (Forest) 7 - 2:
So, do you want to hear about my stats?!? Do you, do you?…Wait, I’ve already told you about them?…I’ve told you about them FOUR times?…Oh. Ok then.
…Well, let me tell you again, because, gurlll, they are phe-NOMENAL!
And while I’m at it, just putting it out there that we beat black and were once the number one team in the power rankings. I’m unilaterally deciding that matters for something.
Bananagrabbers (Power Yellow) 5 - 4:
Things I aspire to: leading a pre-game chant as obnoxiously endearing as Power Yellow’s “”This Shit is Bananas!””
Things I don’t aspire to: following up that team chant with 5 out of 6 games lost to end the season.
Plums Of Steel (Purple) 5 - 4:
Black’s top four receivers are all under 5-10. Safety Orange has three garden gnome-sized wideouts. Purple, on the other hand, is led by four receivers all 6-3 or taller. Let this be a lesson to you, Joe Heron, to never underestimate the power of the twink.
Jacked O Lanterns (Orange) 6 - 3:
Orange as a team was a lot like their QB, RJ. At first you think, “hmm, cute, nice, maybe there’s a chance.” Then you pay closer attention, get a bit bored, and end up shrugging your shoulders, say “eh whatever” and instantly forget about them.
Get In My Kelly (Kelly Green) 5 - 4:
So we’ve heard all about Kyle and his best Oprah impression, Kyle saying he’s focusing only on the wins, Kyle straight up tackling yours truly. So let’s shine the spotlight on the always jolly Scott Kelly. Captains overshadowed by their big-ego, quick tempered QBs, unite!
Power Blue Pussy Whips (Power Blue) 4 - 5:
On power rankings past, Aaron Beck said in his picture with Steve Bannon that his face said it all, which is the same face he used in a picture with Delta Force. Let’s take a look at other times he’s used that face…
…with drag queens, with friends at the White House bowling alley, with Jordan at a basketball game.
Pussy Whip Teammates, if you don’t want to be compared to Steve Bannon, I hope for your sake there was no team photo after your loss on Sunday.
Euron Gayjoys (Navy) 1 - 8:
In recent seasons, Ken Green has been loud and lost a lot. This season he was (somewhat) quieter and lost a lot. Solution? Time to hang em up Queen Green.
Diamonds in the Scruff (Graphite) 4 - 5:
Let’s play Jeopardy!
Answer: Bop It!, Octomom, the Graphite Team
Question: What are three things you totally forgot existed until reading the answer to this question?
Buns of Teal (Teal) 3 - 6:
After their playoff loss, Trainwreck was trying to convince me that Teal really was a 6-3 team with a 3-6 record. If everyone used Jim’s version of math, then half the league would be undefeated, Teal would still be an 8 seed, and they’d still crash out of the playoffs early.
Pink FlamingHos (Pink) 2 - 6:
I really wanted to give Pink the number one ranking this week so Kozak can go out a champion in something. But then I had to ref that playoff loss. We’ll see if we can find you a nice little frat bro as consolation (looking at you, Whorange supertwinks. Time to live up to that team name).
Queens of WesterHOES (Royal Blue) 3 - 6:
At some point this season, you may have gotten excited about Royal’s chances. You may also get excited about commercials with a nine year old scoring the winning goal, cleaning pubes out of your shower drain, or a new Iggy Azalea album.
All of which go about earning your excitement better than this Royal team.
Green Eggs & D (Neon Green) 2 - 7:
Number of wins this season: 2
Number of INTs thrown: 12
Number of times this team was called THOTs in the power rankings: all 10
Watching Andy Pratt smile through the pain of yet another losing season: priceless*
Red THOT Chili Peppers (Red) 2 - 7:
You know that overwrought cliché about how nice guys always finish last? Yeah, thanks Red for keeping that one alive and well.
**Also, insert what now seems to be obligatory reference to Andy Allen’s swoon-worthy eyes here.**
GoldiCocks (Gold) 1 - 8:
Matt Murtaugh, resident Taylor Swift diehand/basic betch, with all this losing, is this what we made you do? Because this isn’t good for your reputation. When that team was announced, I knew you were trouble when you walked in. And even though your QB asked twice on every play, it never seemed like you were ready for it. The losing did go out of style, and it was most certainly not in my wildest dreams. When it came to that 10 seed, we had a blank space baby, and we wrote your name. So here’s to hoping that you and your teammates are never, ever getting back together.
But it’s okay, you are out of the woods now. Wipe the teardrops from your guitar. I’m sorry I had to be so mean; I hope we don’t got bad blood. The haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate. Shake it off, shake it off.