Season XVI – Week 7 (Author: Jamar Walker) - April 25, 2018
S16 - Columbia Blue ('He-Blues') 9 - 0:
While I am happy that my beautiful niece Isabelle has arrived, I really wish she was born on May 6th…or May 20th. Zenny, help us out and put your baby daddy on the bench.
S16 - Raspberry ('2 in the Stink & None in the Pink') 8 - 1:
I was super impressed with Sanders and Co. for pulling out the W over Red last week, especially with the absence of Captain First Lady Queen Esther Snell Mable, who was living her best worst life at the RNC Convention:
S16 - Red ('The Rosebuds') 6 - 3:
Every time Brandon W. and I discuss football, he tells me that he loves playing with smart receivers. Why on earth he drafted Nolan is completely beyond me.
S16 - Kelly Green ('The Kelly Rowlands') 4 - 5:
I used think that there would be no louder potential teammate combination than Ken and Dameron. I was wrong. From four fields away, you can hear Dameron and Jordan singing Alicia Keys next hit “This Ref is On Fire.”
S16 - Gold ('Friends of Dorothy (Zbornak)') 5 - 4:
Dear Jared, I know I told you that I’d focus on Sam’s amazing cakes this week. I lied:
S16 - Power Orange ('Homo Depot') 4 - 5:
Just to show I’m a good sport, here’s a picture of a shirtless Matt Cline, too:
S16 - Power Yellow ('Stripper Circus') 5 - 4:
Speaking of Stripper Circuses, I am really looking forward to Scott G.’s bachelor party. If fiancee Jim R. has his way (note: he will), we’ll be partying at Starbucks.
S16 - Royal Blue ('Royal Housewives of DC') 5 - 4:
Rookie QB Ben Hunt and Daddy Joe split their doubleheader on Sunday. The only things more broken right now on this team than poor Cameron’s face (get well soon!) are Ben Hunt’s ankles. Oh, and Lindsey W.’s grammar: “Don’t throw at my side no mo!” #thisiswhywecantprogressasapeople
S16 - Navy ('Call Me Navy') 4 - 4:
Team Yoga has been downward dogging the competition over the last few weeks. Can John Boyd sustain this level of play? Or will he revert to making dumb mistakes? Like trying to put on a shirt when you already have on a backpack. I expect that behavior from Eduardo, not you.
S16 - Hunter Green ('The Hunt Punters') 4 - 5:
So happy to watch Matty T. flourish this season! Kudos to Captain Amanda Livingstone for such a great pick. I almost felt bad for AJ when he complained about never getting calls. And then I remembered….I don’t like AJ. Carry on, refs.
S16 - Purple ('Purple Squirrels') 4 - 4:
Call it karma that the Purple QB Eaters own signal-caller CJ Babb had his junk put in a vice grip by Tony Smith (We ain’t mad at you, boo.). But as a proud Virginia Tech alum, he’ll recover and finish this season the same way Hokies always do:
S16 - Silver ('Hi Hoe Silvers') 4 - 5:
Greg Carter really should tryout as a QB next season! RJ Martin should also tryout as a QB next season: https://www.activekids.com/football
S16 - Pink ('Petty in Pink') 3 - 6:
3 losses, then 3 wins, then 3 losses. Manic much?
S16 - Power Blue ('Kristin and Her Blue Balls') 4 - 5:
Pro-tip for rookie captain, Aaron Beck: Bench JJ. She hasn’t gotten this much playing time since the Mayflower landed.
S16 - White ('Cake Monsters') 3 - 5:
Betty COCKer’s cakes were dry boots on Sunday. Watching the Monsters trying to catch Marvin’s passes this season….yikes. It’s time to start calling Marvin, Patches:
S16 - Teal ('TEALquila') 3 - 6:
Three straight losses on the last play of the game is absolutely brutal for Team 200 Cones.
S16 - Burgundy ('Burgun-D-Bags') 3 - 6:
Live look at Captain James Santos getting ready to check into the game last Sunday:
On the positive side, one less week of having a shock collar deployed means one less week of postseason therapy for the Commish.
S16 - Charcoal ('#SquadCoals') 3 - 6:
The last time I wrote the power rankings, Kyle McKinney didn’t speak to me for two weeks. But now that he’s a board member there’s no reason to shade him, because I am absolutely sure he knows what is and is not appropriate to say, right?
S16 - Orange ('Tang Banged') 3 - 6:
If this team can get healthy and BB can stop being a circuit queen, Tang Banged will be a tough out come playoff time. That said, we all know that asking BB to cut down on his spiritual journeys is like asking Jordin Sparks how to breathe with no air.