Season 13 – Week 1 (September 11, 2016)
September 11, 2016
Red (T)HOTS had 7 sacks, 2 interceptions and 0 quarterbacks. Walking zombie Earl Armstrong couldn’t get out of Derrick J.’s clutches. You’d think Derrick was one of our straight allies with how good he is with reaching for the snatch. Nolan picked off a floundering white offense twice in the first half as well. But unfortunately for those thirsty thots, they turned out to be red from blushing during their first loss. The first half had maybe one first down in the first five drives from each team. Earl finally put a drive together a scoring drive finding Will C. in the end zone and rushing in himself for the conversion towards the end of the first. The second half added another TD caught by Matt M, and the game was put away with an int from Larry W. This group of sorority sasters is lucky Red relied on the QB talents of Captain Derrick and newbie Andy for the game. They eked out a win and are looking towards next week.
Peach Perfect started their day more fuzzy than fresh failing to score in the first half of this match-up with the Black Plague. The Black Plague who’s favorite NFL team is the Redskins, because they also have a racist name, were able to capitalize on Peach’s slow start with a touchdown to Mike Hess from Haskell Noyes. Orange’s Jared kept the game close with an interception. The second half saw Jordan Anderson explode and fend off an offensive push by the Peaches of Perfect. Two scores later Black wins with a score of 18-15. The Brothers Cline connected for their first touchdown of the season. The smaller one connected with Jared twice for a score and a conversion. Matt ran in a 2 pointer, coming so close to the win. The plague didn’t even need extra points because they are straight sickening. Peach Perfect was gagging from the performance they just witnessed.
The Cookie Monsters, which I hope is an Empire TV Show joke, tallied six interceptions through this game against all three QB’s RJ, Captain Joe Heron & Bryan Sanders: Greg C. had four, one brought back for a touchdown, Rudy B. had two. Forest Green were able to pick off Gurg Kinterdean’s passes four times of their own: Kyle M., CJ, Rj & Mike. But of course any game Bryan Sanders plays as QB you have a chance to pull out a win. Everyone hates Bryan Sanders so much. Bryan Sanders you are the Roger from Sister Sister of the DCGFFL. Stop ruining everyone’s Sundays and go home Bryan. The game started off as it should have with new QB RJ at the helm. RJ then realized his elbow had a boo boo and Bryan Sanders stole the football and weaseled his way into another victory he didn’t deserve. The first half had two scores and no conversions, for Power Blue, Greg Carter – for Forest Green, RJ. In the second half Joe Heron made a valiant effort to keep Bryan out of the spotlight, but when the game was on the line Bryan physically wrestled the ball away from Joe and won the game down the stretch with a tie breaking pass to Jason. Andrew E. helped jack the win from the Power Blue C*** Monsters with three game saving sacks. All hail Queen Bryan. May he never lose again?
These inexplicably French Dolphins (I guess French is more ‘royal’ than English) hit all their jumps and entered Season XIII with a splash! Hot & Gold ended up more Gold than Hot this week. One of the highest billed games of the week lived up to expectations with an Overtime Extravaganza. The first half was a standard affair with QB AJ and Captain Levert of the French Dolphins rushing, throwing, catching, intercepting and topping their way to a 7 point lead and not sharing the ball at all with their teammates. Gold saw a bit more diversity with scores to Antoine and James Davis and a conversion to AJ along with an interception by Will. After scores from Gold’s Sheerod, AJ & James D. with a 2 pt conversion from Will J. and two scores from Zgoda and a try from Richard, things were all tied at 33. Gold went first scoring on their first overtime attempt and converting their measly one point conversion. The kings and queens of the ocean answered back immediately and aggressively with a score of their own and a whopping TWO point conversion. Both of these teams proved to be contenders this week, but the bucket of fish goes to Les Dauphins this week.
PBR shot the ball and walked away before seeing if they made it. The ball rimmed out or Chris Morse goal tended depending on who you ask. The first half was all PBR combining for three interceptions between John Boyd (2) and Kozak (1) along with scores from Sima and Chris G. Charcoal had a decent defensive effort with a sack from Sean Stern and two ints by Dan Honberg one on what would turn out to be a game deciding conversion try. The Charholes left a bad taste in the Rimmers mouth when they stormed back in the second half to take the lead 13 -12 off of touchdowns from Cam, Adam, and a one point try from Chris M. PBR took a wet nap to the holes and climbed back ahead to take an 18-13 lead but AGAIN couldn’t connect on the conversion. Charcoal rolled down the field with another TD to Cam and put an exclamation point on the win with an interception by Dan H. Final score 19-18 Charholes.
Face down, ass up that’s the way we like to lose. The Lumbers Jacked all over their competition in the second half to earn Bryan Sanders yet another win that will be vacated three years from now because of cheating. In the first half it was all Ashy with scores to BB (2), James R. (1) and trys to Scott G (1), and Jamar (1). Forest had TD’s from CJ and Tyler S. with an added try from Jason W. bringing the score to 20-13. Ash to Mouth didn’t bring their face up enough to breath in the second only managing one sack by Seaton. The Lumber Jackers pulled ahead and never looked back to see whose face was in their crack. CJ racked up another touchdown and two ints, Kyle M. had two scores, and Andrew E. had an int. Go home Bryan Sanders.
Both teams played earlier, both teams lost. One had to come away with a win. Cookie Monsters came out with a strong first half. TJ B. had two touchdowns, Jeremy S. had a touchdown and a sack, Rudy and Greg C. both had interceptions and Shara grabbed a conversion to give the Monsters a 19-7 lead at half. Orange’s Jared (td) and Randy (1 pt. try) tried their best to keep pace, but it wasn’t aca-enough. The second half the Peaches tried to starve out the monsters with fresh fruit, but it didn’t come to fruitition. Peach Perfect’s Patrick M’s sack, Nick’s td, and Greg C.’s Td and 2 point conversion weren’t enough to overcome Rudy’s touchdown and second interception and Greg C’s touchdown from Commissioner QB Gurg Kinterdean.
The Black Plague edged Sexual Chocolate all morning until they finished victorious and tired. I feel like every team name is an AIM SN from my 2004 AAU Basketball Team. This game can be summarized with four words. Jordan, Jordan, Jordan, Staci! Brown tried their hardest to win this game but clock management got the best of them and they ended up giving All-American Running Back Jordan Anderson a chance to get his team back in the game with under two minutes left. Brown’s Sean K. had an interception and the go ahead touchdown in the second half, while Cammas ran for the first Td and Kostyk had both one point conversions. But the Black Plague had given Sexual Chocolate a fever and the only cure was STACI PUGH. She came up huge and gutsy with a 2 point conversion after a come from behind touchdown from Jordan Anderson.
Midnight drew first blood but turned into pumpkins soon thereafter. Kelly won. By a bunch. Maybe more than a bunch. Midnight didn’t have their qb and it was over by halftime. Adam flag guarded once threw two interceptions to Alex P. and Santos. Santos and MopTop scored a couple times but it didn’t matter because Adam also threw six touchdowns to Taylor S (3), Brett Chambers(2), and Kahlil F.(1). Kelly also racked up 5 ints from Brett(2), Andrew, Matt T., and Kahlil. Brent had a sack too. Final score was 37-19.
Maroon 5 Uncut was cut from the undefeated list early this year with their loss to the winner for the grossest name in a year full of gross names, Blumpkin Spice. Neither of you deserve a recap based on your terrible names so here are stat lines: Evan Binder had an interception return for 2 points, Austin Plier had three touchdown catches and an interception, Matt Nix had a point conversion and Brandon Waggoner surprisingly rushed for a touchdown. Blumpkins sat atop their throne of poop and blew away the completion touchdowns to Sean Gard, Barry Mauck (2), and Donald Hughes (2). Sean Gard added a sack and Max R. added an int. Tim Adams scored a conversion. Final score 32-27.
When a scorecard only has Andy Allen on it, you know it was a rough game. Andy had two touchdowns and an interception and that’s literally all Power Yellow was able to mustard. This cream pie slipped on a banana peel on their way to the field. Ash dominated this game from beginning to end. Scott Graham of all people had an interception to start off the game. James R, BB and Jamar(3) all had touchdowns. James added a second int and JC a sack to these. Power Yellow landed face first in their own Banana Cream Pies.
Kellyfornication was high off of their first win of the season as they took the field for their double header matchup with Sky Curious. Kelly’s QB, Adam Martin, came out red hot with a touchdown on his first pass of the game! Unfortunately for Adam and Kelly the touchdown was to Baby Blue’s rookie Chris Ralphs. This theme would continue for most of the game. Baby Blue’s Defense and ‘straight’ QB Jack Blaney took control from that moment on. After the opening pick six the first half saw two touchdowns and a two point conversion to Chris Rybicki, a rushing touchdown by Jack B., a couple sacks by captain Tom Loughran, another touchdown to Chris Ralphs and a fifth touchdown and second int to OJ. Kelly Green got one first down to Brett Chambers. In the second half Kelly rallied and pulled up even with Sky Curious, in the parking lot on the way out of Carter Baron, since the game ended so early with a Mercy Rule. Final score was a bloated 54-6 with added scores from William Lipovsky, Chris Rybicki and Jason Clevenger on Baby Blue and a cute deep bomb garbage touchdown from Adam to Kevin Z for Kelly. David Duchovny was never railed this hard.
A low scoring game turned into something of a blow out when Fuschia was bested by Vegas Gold 19-6. The first half saw the game tied at 6 all with scores by Fuschialicious Jerrell P, and Vegas Gold Knight’s Captain Dameron. TBH I can’t read this score card but it looks like Vegas had a great second half. Sam Smallwood did something, so did Ken Gaughan and Dameron did something else. So did Sean and Andy. Final Score 19-6 Vegas Gold wins.