Power Rankings

Ugh, Ben, we get it. You got the girl, you got the glory (Season XXI champ), you got the pooch (hi, Tofu!), you’re an admired, respected ally and expert dog sitter (most of the time). But that doesn’t mean you get to berate, whine, and nag the referees every game now. Wethinks Hofberg will be able to keep all heads in check, when he’s not gallivanting about the wilderness. And last we checked, according to Sondheim at least, giants don’t have the best track record when they go Into the Woods. We expect Daniel B, a rejuvenated (or at least, rested) Jeremy, and Tony Smith to bring the veteran moxy, but don’t be surprised when folks like Shakka and Latreese get their flowers too. We’re not engraving the trophy yet, but in terms of predicting a Final Four appearance, that still remains…

Do you remember that high school theatre kid who always got the lead roles, then graduated and got brutally humbled at some fancy shmancy art school? Welp, we all know what happens next, they saunter on in to their high school alma mater, still thinking they’re hot sht. Anyway, this week, that girl is Aaron Sayama, who couldn’t *resist to come back to the Power Rankings to share some critiques of Neon Pink:

“Say it ain’t so, but their game against the Fantasies was remarkably close in a way we don’t think anyone could’ve predicted. Does this say more about Derrick and Cam’s ability to lead this team to a Final Four spot or about the surprising depth and strength of Orange’s roster? We’re not sure, but we were watchin’, waitin’, but NOT commiserating. Derrick’s 7 sacks proved that Ben McEvoy needs to get his blockers some reps ASAP, and Cam’s game-clinching INT in the final minutes—motivated by some gentle sideline heckling —demonstrated why you don’t want to be on the receiving end of this QB scorned. Hell hath no fury like “Spicy Cam,” as dubbed by Nikki. It was, in the words of Johnny Moseman, “FIERCE!”

And if I (Gordo) may be so bold as to provide my own take here: I thought for sure we’d see Cam draft Joe Owens and thus have the duo run off to start the DCGFFL Tackle Division, but that’s what I get for being trucked from Field #3 onto 16th street by QB1 himself in last year’s playoffs. What did happen here though is a beautiful thing: DCGFFL’s best extravert Derrick Johnson building a cast of party people AND athletes that flat out dominate (Nikki).

Yep, they thwarted Team Villain in Week 1, and felled a (Matt Cline’less) Navy team in Week 2, but do they have the meat to make a big run? PJ and Aaron can sure do some heavy lifting…we just don’t know who else on this team can do some damage (save for the cardio machines at VIDA). We like a lot of the supporting cast here, including Tom Hassett and Peter Dickos, and Munroe is a FORCE, I just don’t know if Twon has the stage management chops in him to get this production in gear. And unless this is Annie, it sounds like Kal’s gonna be driving up a mighty high dogsitting bill while everyone else in his household takes the DCGFFL stage.

Lawd, this name. It works, though. Periodt (ugh, we hate ourselves a little). We’re just glad no one has cramped up too much yet (ugh, okay, we hate ourselves a lot).

With one of us serving as a referee themselves, we commend this team’s captain for his consummate professionalism donning the stripes, his acumen for the rules, and his clear, direct approach to calling a good game. But hey, just because of the above stuff, that doesn’t mean you get to play referee while your team is playing too. And yes, you might be the cutest ginger in the league (debatable), and you hold yourself to a high standard of officiating (which we respect), but that voice of dissent heard ‘round Carter Baron during your games is a wee bit of a turnoff.

“Please sir, may I have some more calls?”

Oliver, Oliver, never before has a boy complained more.

This past Sunday, nepo-baby Jamie Lee Curtis won her first Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress in Everything Everywhere All At Once. Her career spans 40+ years of film, television, and spokesperson for the probiotic yogurt, ACTIVIA. Well, this team must’ve had their morning dose because they are on a run (we know, we know - that was a crappy joke). Although we were rooting for an Angela Bassett win, we weren’t mad about JLC’s winning moment.

After the Week 1 Power Rankings, Jens and Garrett are out to prove they’re better than a forfeit win. We might see this team at the top next week if they don’t get too mellow.

Oh, and we like where you’re going with the team name selection. May we offer a friendly amendment - you should spell it TiGHT-anium. Listen, I (Darryl) took one Chemistry course in college and hated it. I’m impressed I thought of this by myself.

Or,TIght-anium…

We love a Moulin Rouge remake, and these women+ players have the chops. Respect these women, especially the early frontrunner for Women’s+ MVP, Camille Thompson..

Okay, as for the menfolk, we expect Clem to keep it saucy, Eric Green to keep it bossy, Scott Kelly to keep it cuddly, and, well, we had something good here and we’re out of momentum…unlike this team! There was a stumble - and stage fright 🤢 - out of the gate, but this comeback is better than Matthew Broderick on Broadway.

We’ll say it, with the caliber of QB play we’ve seen out of Austin, they can really become a Little Shop of Horrors for their opponents…but this team will only become elite so long as Dear Evan Binder continues to be less of a Karen and more of a Captain.

Ugh, it’s the same stuff about an AJ team every year, it’s time to at least be more original. We get it, he’s the jock taking a nap in the auditorium while being forced to watch the school play, but at least…eh, we’ve got nothing redeemable for this one.

We will say, the visual of this team at a table tucked away at TAP was about as sad a sight as a Sarah McLachlan ASPCA commercial.

Cheer up, friends, you’ve got the best looking, most humble quarterback in the league, and a captain that knows more than everyone else about football (fellas, you’ve got our Venmos). Jokes aside, there’s a strong crew of humans that will help keep morale strong (hey Aaron, hey Andy, hey Fatima!), and maybe even throw a mixer or two. And who knows, maybe AJ has learned a thing or two about team-building during the offseason (spoiler: he has not).

Thomas Cassini nearly single-handedly felled the eventual champs last fall in a stellar playoff showing, and rekindling that magic with Wyatt Eck was both predictable and delightful to see. Otherwise, this team reminds me (Gordo) of Glee: everyone wants me to watch them, I know little about what I’m going to see, and every time I try to tune in, something comes up or I picked a “bad episode” to see what it’s about.

Huh. Sooo, this is what, like the 3rd team to go by this name? And then they go off and score 69 points in their first week?

Someone please explain to me (Gordo) why we couldn’t use Urine Trouble (props to whoever used it before) when I was on gold last year.

Am I a little salty that this crew took out a team of Dads this past week? Yes. Very. But to paraphrase Pedro Martinez, I guess I need to tip my DILF headband and call them my, you guessed it, Daddy. For now.

With a dynamic duo of Jack and Joel protecting Hotchy, the tag team of Gino and Francisco grabbing all the things, possession receiver extraordinaire Christine Hohl, and freakin’ Paul Whitney literally hopping off a plane and sprinting onto the field to intercept a ball right in front of me, this team is scarier than Mike K.’s biceps.

While critics thought Jorge walked away with a bowl of velveeta on draft night, it looks like Gold is about to strike it rich…before an inevitable queso’rific meltdown.

Welp, here’s the Jekyll and Hyde reference. On one side you have a 71-point performance in week 1. A resilient crew with a stoic QB, and reserved-yet-explosive players in Andy and Kenny. On the other, a Week 2 “baptism by fire at QB” for Cam B. (decidedly not quiet), who impressively held his own in a defeat reminiscent of, you guessed it, Jekyll and Hyde at the 1997 Tony’s (translation: no wins…but they were nominated!).

Still, it spoke to the resolve of this team to go out there and keep things competitive, and can we talk about Lindsey crushing it out there? Oh, were you expecting some sea-faring pun based on their team name? Let’s just say Anything Goes for the rest of the season with this crew.

The Dad Bod Squad. We’ll be a force to be reckoned with in about 20 years when all of the players’ kids (8?) make their own team.

Y’all might be mad now, but you’ll be begging to be our +1s for all the Drag Story Hours I (Gordo) take Gordito to. (and in all seriousness, how lucky am I to have a community of Guncles/Gaunties like yourselves to help in raising my son and showing him what this world is all about?)

After a lopsided Week 1 victory, Red feasted upon some Humble Papa Cherry pie, courtesy of the Dafodilfs (oh, the irony). Despite the loss, however, true Team Dad Sean Karson provided positivity and comfort before our afternoon naps.

This team is chock full of fine humans we’d (Darryl is on the team, so yeah) love to share a drink with, no matter the price. Even better, when they eventually all show up to a game (Bradley, Jared, maybe even their Captain Tom) like they did this past week, we expect some White Lotus-esque slaying of their own to occur on the field, with Kevin and Linda delivering the coup de grâce.

“I can’t, it’s tech week.”

You know the feeling. It’s days before the big show. One night, the light cues are sync’d up perfectly, the sound board has the perfect balance (and the mics are exactly where they need to be), and the cast and pit orchestra are simply ON IT. The next night, chaos.

Heading into Week #3 (or Tech Week Day 3, as it were), this is where the director gives the ultimatum that if they don’t have their stuff together, they won’t have Thursday night off to rest their voices for opening night.

Let’s face it, after missing the mark this past Sunday, this green machine is in need of a serious lube job to get their cogs a-turnin’ for this week’s matchup against the Blue-ty Callers. And we know they won’t find any on their mic pack condoms (this is a deep cut theatre reference and I thank anyone who gets that one). While Adam, Nick, and Mike are doing the most out there, we think it’s time for Luis and Gordo’s first (football) son Joe Platte to grab some of the spotlight. Either that, or Jim can expect some angry phone calls from the theatre Moms/Dads of DCGFFL.

Badlands. Apex. BeBar. Phase One. Unsurprisingly, none of these long-defunct DC queer nightlife establishments are sponsoring this collection of Old Gay (how great of a name would that have been if they were an appropriately corresponding color?). But we think everyone on this roster would sure like something closer to the 2006 versions of themselves out on the field, perhaps with the exception of a would-be pre-pubescent Michael A. We expect some veteran treachery, and the ever important self-awareness, guide them to their fair share of victories, and sniff at a Final Four appearance, before this Old Man and the Sea(son) gets washed away.

Pat Shilo is back! And without [redacted] as a captain, we’re expecting to see a much improved performance after a season off. This was a really good draft, sporting a lively sideline of personalities. We don’t know how it’ll all work together, but, we mean, high school drama kids are obsessed with Noises Off, which we feel like is how the first few games are going to look as they figure themselves out.

And with the league’s current and former leading ladies on the same team, we’re sure this awkward stretch won’t last…or will it?

We hate to say it and we hope we don’t sound ridiculous, but we don’t know what’s going on with this team..we think the team has embodied their name “Mellow Yellow” a bit too much. Could this be their Pearl era?

For the non-Drag Race fans in the audience, Pearl aka Pearl Liaison was a contestant on RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 7 (the WORST season in drag race HERstory!). Anyhoo, Pearl’s lackluster performance at the beginning of the competition led her to the finale (Top 3). Neon Yellow could see some victories mid-season, but for now –

While our retinas are howling for mercy after seeing these unis alongside Neon Pink’s, we’re once again letting Aaron Sayama offer his (very) unsolicited advice and outlook here.

“This aptly named team will certainly be living a series of fantasies this season. Their game against Pink was a nail-biter, and Oriya demonstrated that while he’s an excellent QB, he might be an even better field player. However, Quinn was both the villain and hero of this story. First, Quinn got cooked on a go route by a star rookie in the making. Reader, it was delicious–a just dessert that was simply too decadent. Afterward, though, Quinn channeled that vengeful spirit and came back onto Field 3 and did what he had to do to redeem himself. McEvoy threw a bullet of a 40yd pass intended for him; instead, though, the ball was headed directly to Pink-182’s QB and back safety, Cam, in what was sure to be a nasty interception. Quinn, however, was somehow able to book it and get into position, jump up to match Cam, and snatch the ball out of the air and Cam’s hands, completing the catch right before our very eyes. The sideline erupted in shock and awe not quite believing that play. Is Quinn the drama? After this game, it certainly seems like it, but we can’t help but feel a little like the right team won here.

As for me (Gordo), this team has a whole cast of Dreamsicles (hiiii, Ben) with whom I’ve shared a bunch of success (Nik, Jean-Francois, Brandon, Chris), but methinks the winning ways have melted away. Still, there’s plenty of time to turn it around, and at least bleach has staying power? Happy Birthday for the 3084923084th time, Chris. You are far and away my #1 pick to plan my son’s bar mitzvah.

“Oh, Pit Crew.” - in my (Darryl’s) best RuPaul voice.

This team has it all; heart, grit, determination, and pizzazz (yup, I said pizzazz – this IS a gay flag football league). With a few former championship winners on the roster and returning QB, Malcolm W., I wouldn’t count this team out just yet. But, like, maybe invest in some cleats? Besides, everyone goes to the playoffs and somebody’s gotta play that 8:00 a.m. game…