Power Rankings

The Hot Ones are on Cloud Nine after multiple decisive victories, despite Captain Lamar suffering a harrowing knee injury that halted his high-flying heroics. But I’d like to take a moment to do what I do best and play the victim card. Cameron stopped me from landing a touchdown after I executed a stellar breakaway play with both sex appeal AND perfect form. Screw running the clock, you ruined my moment!

Will the Cardinals continue soaring to the championships, or will bad knees and stolen spotlights clip our wings?

I never understood why so many people refuse to Neon My Face, but I guess they have Urine Trouble. Anyway, this team proved that it has great aim and a future full of golden showers after squeezing out every drop and clinching two hard-fought Ws. I’m excited to see where Neon My Face goes next — after all, there are so many options: Neon My Mouth, Neon My Eyes…keep winning like this, and you can Neon My Everywhere!

There’s certainly no skimming over the massive victory Field of Creams churned out this weekend, proving they’re truly among the cream of the crop. Opponents, beware: These rushers are willing to whip their opponents into shape, like cream into butter - just ask Hotchkiss, who took a brutal punching like a big ol’ sundae surprise!

You Got Moss’d showed the Pink Pony Club who’s the real stallion after they left their opponents grazing in the shadows of a 40+ point game. This team has a formidable mix of veterans who can mow the lawn with their enemies, and rookies who may be quick to sprout into star players. With their mane-taming maneuvers and hoof-stomping touchdowns, You Got Moss’d proved they’re not just horsing around on the field; they’re galloping towards victory.

If only a punny name alone could get you in the top four, this team would be cashing in on a championship victory. Still, you still managed to put Team Atomic in a nearly bombed out mercy zone during an exciting 24-6 game, proving you’re willing to do what it takes to get your money’s worth. I’d give you a tip, but I don’t donate to charity.

These Blacked Out Barbies cast dark clouds over their Light Blue opponents during a close match — then, true to form, got blacked out at Sunday Funday. If Grey 4 Pay has the punniest team name, yours is the most derivative. If this team can avoid the 8AM jello shots and never-ending Saturday bar crawls they may have a chance to climb up in the rankings.

Despite claiming a victory from this week’s game, Royal Blue sees its rank drop several positions from their previous height in the preseason rankings. Although JC found exceptional receivers in both Jeremy and Oliver, we didn’t expect such a royally tight point spread against the bottom-ranked and short-handed Bellagi-hos. If he’s to continue his dynasty, reigning King JC is going to have to round up the knights of his table and prove once and for all that they’ve earned the status of royalty.

Urine Trouble found themselves in a stream of defeat after My Little Foamies bubbled over with success. Yellow was in hot water after the Foamies turned the tides and floated to victory, a nice triumph that just gave me at least three more easy piss puns.

Lime Green had a hell of a week, losing by just a single point to one of the top-ranking teams at the 9am time slot. Despite starting out slow, lime shocked everyone by clinching a decisive victory over the equally competitive purple team in the afternoon game. We know with the right amount of teamwork, and maybe a little bit of luck, this citrus team might just find themselves chasing celebratory shots of salt and tequila next Sunday.

Grape Sexpectations may have won this match, but they didn’t exactly crush their opponents, and while they may have fermented a win, I was left wanting a sweeter taste of victory. Here’s hoping these grapes don’t go sour. (Look, with 18 teams, unfortunately some of these are going to be called in. We have full-time jobs.)

Even though they lost their season opener, the Vegas Bellagi-hos may have struck gold with this overlooked band of misfits. With Clem gone, Dre stepped up and showed everyone just how versatile a straight man in a crop top can be. Against top-ranked Royal, and despite low turn-out, this Los Vegas residency gave everyone a very real glimpse of star power.

The Blue Bombers got a bit defused by the Blacked Out Barbies after they had their lights dimmed during a dark match. Left in the shadows of defeat, these bombers will have to dig themselves out of their broken barracks and claw their way back from the trenches.

What to say about this group of size queens? My husband’s leg basically fell off during this game, nearly sending me into my widow era (I have an entire section of my closet ready for the moment) and yet we still won. Aubrie played 14 games of football for breakfast and STILL ate y’all up like it was nothing. I fear we left no crumbs. Also, your name is as questionable as your playing on the field.

I have so much affection for all of the beautiful ponies in this club, but unfortunately today the stable needs a bit of tough love. I was rooting for you - we were all rooting for you! - but your prance through a field of flowers turned into a field of the moss’t upsetting touchdowns. Even with all your star-studded horsepower, you couldn’t notch a win this week.

This band of misfits stayed true to its name with a disjointed and discombobulated performance on the field. The Atoms Family bombed their shot of a victory, only securing a singular touchdown against darker, greyer forces.

Looks like Team Olive is gonna be starting out this season in the pit. Despite having a team with great depth and seemingly unlimited raw potential, virgin Captain Juan V. doesn’t quite seem to have olive his ducks in order just yet. However, we’re convinced that with just a little bit of magic this team might yet find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

I don’t know what’s more surprising: The fact that Logan allowed this team name to get approved, or how incredibly poor your performance was this week. They say the whoral reefs are dying all over the world. You gave us no hope that a miraculous rebirthing era is about to begin.

Unfortunately, Urine Trouble seemed to have lived up to its name this week, with a performance many would call…piss poor. While they didn’t put up any Wins, they sure put up a good ol’ Irish fight, with relatively close games for starting at such a wee hour. Suffice it to say, the Saint Paddys day bar crawl the day before may have taken its toll, with a confidential source close to one of the players telling us “My shower this morning from **redacted** was just a few shades darker than normal.”