Open Division Season 27 Power Rankings: Week 5
1 Foam Fatales (Seafoam) 6-0
Seafoam remained in top seaform this week. Glad to see it’s not just a one-player show as captain and runaway stat leader Luie was absent while several others haunted the score sheet (Scott Graham still has some moves)! This team has the depth and QB to win it all, but let a resurgent Yellow almost knock them off. Can they avoid the big upset?
2 All Tide Up (Coral) 5-0
No JC, no problem. Hoyler put on his best Drew Brees impression – minus a couple fun little interceptions – and organized Coral to another victory. With a frighteningly good pass rush and several solid receivers, this team has found new ways to win every week. Coral’s biggest scare might be a Sunday morning hangover lurking in the shadows after this team, including the undersigned, closes down the bars on Saturdays.
3 Bump A Little Lime (Lime) 5-1
Same song, different verse. Lime seemed completely un-bothered and bewitched by Coyote in this shootout of a game, continuing a trend of AJ-Twon dominance this week. Whatever you’re putting in those midnight margaritas ladies, it’s working.
4 50 Shades of Slay (Dark Gray) 5-1
The Jim Connolly Revival continues for Dark (Horse) Grey, who are riding the 2nd most passing TDs to a hot start to the season. This team has roared into form at just the right time, aided by the fact that not as many of their players were going swish swish this weekend.
5 Arch Your Black (Black) 4-2
This team wasn’t so much arching into it this week as holding on for dear life without their captain and some other key players. They were down in the first half, then with the help of a Nolan INT tied it back up in the second, only to ultimately succumb to the pounding of a confident and assertive Sand. The undersigned walked off this game with a gnarly, very bloody nose injury (thank you cute nurses Dawson and Thomas!). Taking recommendations for appropriate face covers.
6 Lavender Gayze (Purple) 3-2
I honestly can’t fault Purple for dropping another game when half their receivers were going to be missing and Pennywise came up from the sewers to claim Dawson a few days before the game. But somehow, playing their 4th string QB and with an offense that was mostly “save me Bryan Burke,” they still cooked the undersigned and came within a point of knocking off Coral. Despite their record, this is still a resilient, talented team and they will be a force in November.
7 Tropdead Gorgeous (Tropic Blue) 3-2
Captain Juan remains the baddest witch on this team, but he’s been joined by his sisters Matt Cline and Edward J. on the score sheet. Can they keep their spell on the rest of the league, or will this team turn to stone in the playoffs?
8 Naughty Nauti Boys (Navy) 3-2
Navy was fully in command this week, and booty was done plundered. Captain Cam continued to do a great job spreading the ball around deck to his fellow seamen (sp?), as well as intercepting and defusing rival captain Hotchkiss’s cannons. Not many cracks in the hull showing today.
9 Dune Too Much (Sand) 2-3
The old Sand can’t come to the phone right now. Why? I think you know. Gotta hand it to this team — also missing important players, they knocked off a much higher-ranked Black. Oriya was characteristically everywhere on both sides of the ball. Great pass protection from Gordo helped, who clearly had our names in red underlined (once he expelled his curse of the drops, bless his heart). As has been long foreseen, this team is officially risen back from the grave.
10 Spill the CoyoTEAs (Coyote) 2-3
Coyote, we know you’re not Ugly, you had a tough matchup, and snagging two INT’s shows you kept your heads (partly) on during the game. But after giving 34 points to Lime, might we suggest a little beauty elixir?
11 Milk & Pookies (White) 2-3
White looked like it had seen a ghost when they were tied at halftime this week – was it Zuul or was it just the hungry, winless Kelly Green? Either way, vacuum cleaners were put to good use as they sucked up the points in the second half and lived to ghostbust another day.
12 Tang Bang (Deep Orange) 2-3
The dads have still got it! They kept the tang banging, following last week’s W with another hefty win over Sapphire, including Chad going extra deep to nab 3 sacks. They may not be exactly a team of Teenage Witches, but aunties Zelda and Hilda were the real stars all along.
13 Blue Light District (Light Blue) 2-3
The saucy sirens of the Blue Light District couldn’t keep the other team’s hands off them this week, with Dark Grey’s pass rush performing a wardrobe malfunction on the unsuspecting Garrett. These temptresses like to wait in the shadows, performing ritualistic mating dances – or is that just the inordinate amount of leg injuries on this team keeping them from moving correctly? Be careful or this team might stanky leg its way into your heart and steal a victory.
14 PikaCrew (Yellow) 1-4
Well look what we have here! Yellow fixed its absentee problem and nearly claimed a close game over league leading Seafoam. Let’s hope Derrick can trick or treat more of his roster into showing up every week – if so, they could pull some major upsets.
15 Uncut Gems (Sapphire) 2-4
Uncut Gems defense was everywhere, they were so Julia during their game against Tang Bang on Sunday. Can’t say the same for their offense, as Deep Orange kept them Guessing and claimed their second win. Let’s see if they can go Spring Breakers next week or if Sympathy will be a bloody knife
16 Red Wine Supernovas (Cardinal) 1-5
The stars and planets finally aligned for Cardinal to get its first win of the season over Olive, after an earlier spanking by the Navy. From my brief viewing of the former, it was really fun watching Logan shake and bake his way to two TD’s, and Thomas played some lockdown defense. You’re a pleasure to have in class Cardinal, and hopefully Sunday was a good (enough) omen for your future.
17 Whore D'oeuvres (Olive) 1-5
Is a two loss day causing division within this team? Or is that just Wyatt’s pants tearing? Olive the talent on this roster is good, but it hasn’t led to enough points to win football games – just yet.
18 Kelly Green (Kelly Green) 0-6
We here at the Power Rankings appreciate the lengths to which QB Nick Perovich is willing to go for a victory, including wearing a cute leotard and tiara :) Unfortunately, it had no effect. We’re rooting for you, Kelly. Too much talent here to go winless.