Power Rankings

An extremely strong Sunday for Haus of Martini. Seven different players score a total of 51 points to leave Maroon shaken (not stirred). Carnell continues his DPOY campaign with yet another sack, giving him at least one in every game this season. And on top of that, JC gets to annoy Sanders as a ref.

Everything Olive does is going down suspiciously smoothly at the moment. Surely it won’t lead to a hangover. Or Gold hiring an Etsy witch to curse them.

Teal Team Dix continues their shock and awe campaign, mercilessly drilling Kobalt. It’s getting kind of boring tbh, so we decided to just spread baseless untruths instead. Paul W. got all but 6 of this team’s points because he’s greedy and he paid off Ben H. to only throw it to him. Miso is looking for a new forever home, telling us she “needs to protect her peace.” Chris R. is done traveling out of town for the year, deciding his new IG personality will instead be Homesteader Tradwife. That one TD didn’t even touch any grass and was totally clean… oh wait, maybe that one’s true. Toodles!

The commish claims executive privilege to take a comeback win against Gray, clinched by a last-minute Keyur TD. Let’s go inside the mind of a Twon H. as he pulls a Greg Jennings to put the team on his back with four TDs and a pick from his pal AJ.

Ignoring the fact that the Greg Jennings Madden meme is 16 years old - a cruel reminder of the relentless passage of time - this team is very good, and there’s no reason to think they can’t make a deep run. Can Cam and his Chartreusive Thots break through this season, or will they end up on the rocks in the playoffs?

White really gave us the bare minimum this week, squeezing a win out of the mayonnaise tube over a much lower-ranked team missing their regular QB. It’s giving plain, vanilla, no sauce… but a win’s a win.

Somebody call Smokey the Bear. A brushfire appears to have cleared through Forest’s ranks this week, leaving QB Luie without some his key players, and others partially incapacitated like Alex D. (take care of that knee sis!) and Charles D. (you get a participation trophy for showing up after running a whole 10 miler, but that’s about it!). So while they fell to the Indigooners this week, they may be justifiably writing off this scraggly performance as a one-off. Far be it from us to miss the forest for the trees, but yeah, you need trees too. Ecology!

Pray the Gray Away doesn’t convert, as we could have warned you.

AJ, and Co. started strong against Lime with a two-touchdown lead, and rookie Curtis played like a seasoned veteran, striking the fear of God into our commissioner’s heart with two picks. But Vintage Gray failed to finish after some key drops and incompletions, leaving this early favorite in purgatory with a 3-3 record. Here’s hoping for their sake that they’ll nail the benediction.

Lacking Cap’n Connor T.’s steady hand on the tiller, the Pyrites went belly up this week. They started the game off 12-0 and at first it looked like they’d have the smooth sailing they probably expected against the underdog Blue Wake & Bakes. Randy S. had a breakout performance, pestering Blue with determined rushing and well-timed cone releases; and Bryan S.’s receiverdad era continues apace. But once Blue kicked it into gear with impressive showings on both sides of the ball, Gold started looking just about everywhere else to blame their turn of fortune on…. (newly minted legendary legend!) JC ’s reffing, a *few* plays where Brandon R. took the snap for Blue (and then made some truly insane plays), you name it. They could be heard chirping on the fields, on the sidelines, during the handshake line — the complaints became about as repetitive as a full rendition of 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall. In the end though, this committee suggests a good hard look in the mirror as the best way to ensure the rest of their season doesn’t end up like this game – sent to Davy Jones’ locker.

Dominant performances from Chad H and Mike O (four sacks!) lead the team with the name we can’t print back to .500, schmearing Loxxed and Loaded. Jim’s boys are now running the track at full steam powered by three straight victories and talent to burn, but can they use that momentum to pull into the Final Four?

Can we fit any more train puns into this? Our editors are telling us no.

Last week, this committee chastised this team for possibly spending too much time gooning. This week, they showed they’d just been edging us before a sweet, sweet payoff, knocking off a flaccid Forest. Afterwards, Cap’n Jordan M. was beaming with pride at his lil bro Eli, who was a key playmaker this game… and Vinny was beaming with pride at himself for sacking Luie. We’ll try to be more patient with you in the future, but let’s be honest, we promise nothing.

The Very Good Boys of Atomic Blue got back on track against Navy with good blocking and a strong day from Andre B in particular. The Bombshells didn’t look back after a hot start on Sunday - has Atomic learned to harness their power like Oppenheimer (the scientist), or are they still low-key kind of bad like Oppenheimer (the movie)?

Hate to break it to you all, but this team is the mood, the moment, the new it girl everyone is talking about. This previously 1-4 Blue Wake and Bakes knocked off a 4-1 Gold this week, with its O and D (guess what, Jordan was pivotal to both) finally kicking into gear at just the right time. Yes, there was *that controversy about a few plays QB’ed by one Brandon R., who demonstrated superhuman feats of acrobatics, dodging and weaving his way past several defenders into the endzone in one play that had the sidelines collectively losing their minds. But if anything, this team thrived off the controversy and drama… and apparently dancing late into the night at Trade before their game. Speaking of which, just when QB Zach is getting his sea legs, he’ll be taking a 1-week sabbatical, leaving said backup QB to fill his cleats for a full game. We’ll be tuned in closely to see if this band can play on, or if it’s just another one-hit wonder.

The Joint Chiefs of Shaft fall to 2-4, getting sunk by Atomic Blue after a rudderless first half, a bloodied Captain Matt H. and a near-mutiny against the refs. A rousing attempted comeback that featured a strong return from injury for Bryan W. and some athletic-ish Mark H. scrambles was bottled up after their defense left Chris D. wide open for an easy first-and-goal.

The Navy boys have found themselves in a bit of a Ship of Theseus situation after their 6th straight week with an entirely different lineup. Can they be a new team by the end of the season, or will they always be less than the sum of their parts?

Like the age-old song goes:

Pinot noir, Roseanne Barr

Pinot noir

Au revoir

Peen-oh-Noir put up a robust 34 points (we see you Benny!), but still got drank under the table by Olive this week (51!). Rumor has it that one of the (many) scores they allowed was because their whole team was snapped out of it, snapping their necks to watch a game on the other field when Olive snapped the ball. Say snap again!

Coral, this week your pink look was … underdone. Though there were a few standout moments, including a cold pick six from Aaron B and a Hail Mary to Andrew Gr., those red zone turnovers left you Loxxed and Loaded and raw, and not in the good way. Also we have to mention the findings of our close Tax Day auditing of the scorecard for this game: it had Kevin H written as Sportsperson for Kelly, and then again as Sportsperson for Coral – until it was crossed out and replaced with Chad M. As the role of “tall, thin, scary athletic boi but with a nonetheless gentle demeanor ” could really be played by either one of them, we get it.

Yes, losing by 20 points to Seafoam is tough, but at least you didn’t handle it with grace. Better luck next week. In other news, yay to Cedric for getting some points on the board, and to Pat S. for either recovering from or opting to ignore his foot injury. When asked to comment, Pat told the press: “I am not responsible for my actions.”

Another week without their QB, another week of BluPaul’s Drag Race circling the bottom and having to sashay away. Juan, we know you’re out there giving it your best baby. Go find your man, have the team cast out those inner saboteurs, give us a Rudemption to root for!