Power Rankings

Tyler L. is back on these fields and making sure he’s the Chartreusive Thot to write about (and that’s before even mentioning his Instagram stories). He bobbles a pass to give Kelly a pick, then promptly turns around and snags a pick-6 of his own. We love a redemption arc! QB Cam’s steady leadership powers this team to its second win, by the largest total margin of any team in the league. If these Chartrussies keep popping like they have so far, we’re all in trouble.

Despite their hard workout and even harder partying the day before, Team Hyrox™ came out on top once again here, in a close and closely watched back-and-forth game that pitted our league’s fave twunk (twas?) QBs and their egos against one another. We also hear Shaq was talking smack to opposing QB Wyatt throughout the game. We guess Saturday’s endorphins didn’t last into Sunday’s game? Regardless, we’d pay handsomely to see that Thunderdome matchup - and the inevitable Heated Rivalry spinoff that follows.

Rookie QB Luis C is out there looking cool, calm, and collected. And moisturized. True, Charles D saved him from what would have otherwise been an embarrassing INT by wrenching a pass out of poor Tiger’s delicate hands, but that’s why you draft jolly green giants in the first place. And Captain Alex is excited he finally has a chance to catch the ball (and up his stats, surely), getting points on the board in his slot receiver era! So far, this team is giving opening number of Into the Woods energy — everybody has a mission and is merrily trotting along towards it. Will the music keep playing for this team, or will their fates look more like a Sondheim Act 2 - Trouble in the Wood? Either way, we’re root-ing for you.

White understands that all things must be in balance. Quinn M. bolsters his title defense with three touchdowns while giving up three himself. Andy P. bounces back from a rough game last week with a strong one this week. His team jumps to 2-0, after which his Hokies get knocked off the NCAA Tournament bubble by one reporter’s Demon Deacons. It’s an objectively strong start for Plain White Tease, but we’ll be curious to see if they fall to 2-2 in the next two games in accordance with Taoist principles.

This team may look top-heavy (not in that way though) at a glance, but Seafoam has talent all the way to the bottom of their roster. Lots of players pitched in for a team win over Coral this week. Captain Paul and QB Ben have their offense running like a well-oiled machine, and their defense is playing their part too with Aras chipping in 3 sacks. The two wins have been close, though. We’re in wait and see/recon mode with Teal Team Dix.

Navy was missing some of its Top Guns this week, and it showed. They trailed Blue Wake for most of the game, and though they still managed to turn it into more of a nailbiter in the closing minutes to bring the point difference to 5, Blue Wake scored on the next drive, a punishing wave that sent this team crashing down to the blue deep. QB Mark H. was plagued by a difficult rush, though he did manage to snag an INT on the other side of the ball and showcase his signature *slow motion pirouette* before falling over. While Captain Matt H. was all too quick to remind everyone of the team’s significant roster absences this week, a couple of them were due to injury, so a question looms: just how many Joint Chiefs are going to be able to man this Shaft going forward, and can the remaining ranks rise up, ahem, to the challenge?

Despite a heartbreaking loss to the surgeon White team, there’s reason to respect the classics with Vintage. As one of the most tenured QBs in the league, AJ is providing a steady hand to their offense, while Captain Michael’s strong leadership and ability to take the ball and…run faster than everyone else is helping score important points. Rookie Curtis has been the gem of the season winning ROTW last week and going off for three touchdowns this week. Everyone seems to be getting along and scoring, for now. We remain skeptical that things will stay that way.

With their starting QB back in the mix, Cobalt clinched their first W in this low-scoring game – but was the victory a Pyrrhic one? QB Daniel H. looked like he was scrambling for his life out there (though he did it well). And while Pat S. and Morgan W. each nabbed an INT and a TD, Pat S. left the fields bruised and battered from a bump-in with TJ in getting said TD, and Morgan was tuckered out after “having to chase Juan around the whole game.” They were able to take it into the red zone multiple times, but had trouble finishing. These Power Drillers may have to find some more juice if they want to stay long and strong through this season — nobody wants a floppy top.

After Jordan A. angrily reminded him “this isn’t Rec!” – Zach M. gets his first win as an Open QB! These little bakers managed even without their venerable captain Pete D (attacked by seashell, out 3-4 weeks). Bolstered by a ferocious pass rush and predictably strong receiving performances from Jordan, Ryan W and Brandon R, Blue Wake bounces back from a Week 1 loss by sinking the under-Staffed Joint Chiefs. This team could bubble up as a dark (sea)horse contender with a few more solid performances, though we might be biased by the fact that someone on the committee thinks Zach is cute.

Wyatt’s bid for a threepeat hits a snag as he gets brutally framemogged by his archrival JC this week. Our reigning champion QB must still be seething, even though the result is in line with his usual strategy of lossmaxxing early in the season en route to a championship run.

Despite their pedigree, a 1-1 record with an OT win has the committee starting to ask just a few questions about how long the Indigooners can last this season. But if the past is any indication, they’ll get a grip soon.

The phantoms who keep sacking JC and Wyatt

Carter Barron’s haunted.

Neither one of them has ever been sacked by a living player when they play each other. Only spooky ghost twinks.

The old Bowie boys Matt C and Bryan S return to buoy their team after a blowout last week that looked like it might repeat itself in the first half against Maroon. They, and their significantly younger captain Connor T, led Pyrite back from a 20-point deficit to fend off Peen-Oh Noir with a scoring run that included Bryan, who we’ll remind you is a 40-year-old man who hasn’t been to the gym in months, juking three defenders out of their shoes on one play during their go-ahead drive. We don’t know whether this says more about Sanders’ Dad Agility or Maroon’s flag-pulling skills (though we have a guess). It’ll be fun to see where this eclectic assortment of characters goes from here.

Another tough week for Team Nice Boys. The other team’s (OK Luie’s) rush was a challenge for QB Austin P. and this team – maybe they need a reminder that it’s not mean to block or evade your defenders? Shoutout to inveterate sweetie Chris D., who in between smiling and prancing down the field, nabbed 3 TDs for this team. And I guess Tiger, who by making it through two whole games without injury, must be setting some kind of PR? We love you boys, but you’re gonna need to find a way to get those nuclear reactors firing! Will the return of king Andre be the special ingredient needed to finally make for fusion? We hope so, you sweet Bombshells.

Daylight savings hits some of us harder than others. In this case, Maroon sprung forward to a 20-0 lead against Gold before falling back to earth, thanks in part to - appropriately - terrible clock management. Peen-Oh Noir is 0-2, but there’s still hope after an almost-inspiring performance and an overall point differential of just six. Will this veteran team be able to put it all together in…time? The antici…….pation is just killing me.

Coral is looking Loxed but not yet Loaded after an 0-2 start. Despite strong performances from Chad M., Art H., rookie Kevin D., and Aaron B., this team hasn’t been able to put together a victory. At least they avoided getting creamed this week in a one-point loss. But better days appear to be ahead. Let the record state that at least one member of the committee doesn’t care how cute Zach M is, he’s still going to lose to Coral’s rapidly improving defense next week.

It’s always nice to have options in football. Sometimes the player you want to have the ball may be covered or - worse - missing the game entirely, so you need a backup plan. But when you run an option play over and over with your 50-something QB who has, shall we say…lost a step or two, I’m not really sure what you could expect to happen. With multiple interceptions by the opposing team, it was definitely a defanged Kelly offense. But there’s hope as rumor has it Kevin H will come back to the fields this week to give this team a boost!

Don’t worry if you missed the first half of Cobalt vs. Light Blue this week - according to copies of the scorecard obtained by this Committee, Light Blue registered exactly zero stats in the first half. An accurate QB like Matt R throwing only one touchdown pass all game? Juan scoring only two points? Make it make sense. Or at least make it a little cuter than this.