Power Rankings

a. STAT: Luis Cotto 15 Sacks (1^st in league), 5 Ints (T-2 in league)

b. Ben H. has led Seafoam to the top point differential this season. Unfortunately, he won’t be there for the first playoff weekend. Let’s hope that this doesn’t delay their game. Or that their run isn’t closed. Or that the other team intercepts his opportunity at the last moment.

But surely, not all of those things can happen to one team, right?

a. STAT: JC Adams 1 INT (fewest among starting QBs)

b. We interrupt the weekly shade to hold a gravely important conversation. We, the 17 others teams have come together in love and in harmony to hold a mirror to who you have become. We hold this intervention for you, JC, because we all see that you are hurting. We see that your arm is yearning to be united with an X-Ray, or even better, an MRI. We only want what’s best for you, and we want it as soon as possible. Specifically before this coming Sunday. We say this only with concern for you, babe. And for no other reason.

a. STAT: Twon finally led the league in scoring with AJ (147 points)

b. Things that have happened since AJ and Twon first played together way back in Spring 2017: The Instagram ten-year challenge, Fyre festival cheese sandwiches, Kendall Jenner’s Pepsi commercial.

I would still rather experience all of these than these two on the field again. And I’m confident I’m not alone.

a. STAT: Only team with four 40 points receivers (Zak Sealy, Johnny Moseman, Quinn McKenzie, Evan B). Only team with multiple drag performers.

b. Like actual drag queens, QB Donna D’Monaco was this season’s best at sharing the love across her whole community of naughty nauti boys. And captain Min Aura was best at sharing love with the other team, throwing two pick sixes in her QB debut.

a. STAT: 3^rd most points scored in one game; most points allowed in one game

b. Throughout this season, Purple has mae explosive plays all over Carter Barron. With stars like Morgan Warfiel, Awson Currin, Esiree McCormick, and Aniel Bertram, the offense could rarely be stoppe.

Oh shoot, you know what? I must have been inspired by this team more than I thought, because like them, I seem to have forgotten all about the D.

a. STAT: 8 players with multiple receiving TDs (most in league)

b. Dark Gray has done a great job getting near the top of the conference. And yet, I can’t shake the feeling that this team is the Justin Guarini to some other team’s Kelly Clarkson. Who’s Justin Guarini, you ask? Exactly.

a. STAT: Juan V 122 points (44% of team points; highest in league)

b. Whitney. Mariah. Varela. With his breakout season, Juan puts himself in the category of divas who claimed the spotlight and stole the glory for herself! Let’s just hope that none of his Tropic Blue teammates pull a Pussycat Dolls and become lead singer without telling anyone.

a. STAT: Kevin Penny 9 rush TDs (1^st in league), 14 INTs thrown (1^st in league)

b. In his first season as a full-time QB Kevin Penny rode the big play roller coaster to a winning record, running the ball and chucking INTs without peer. So much so that I almost thought I was watching Michael Vick out there. The resemblance, truly uncanny.

a. STAT: John C TDs thrown to 10 different receivers (1^st in league)

b. Let’s pour one out for Clem on his development as a QB, getting the most teammates their TD glory. Finally, he can be number one in something other than having the most infectious laugh in the league.

a. STAT: Garrett and Alex Schiponi 52 combined points (1^st among league siblings)

b. Want a fun lil game-within-a-game to play with Light Blue? Yell “JUMP” every time QB Garrett Schiponi breaks the pocket, hoping he gets annoyed enough to throw your team a pick. It didn’t work whatsoever for me, but with captain Daniel Honeycutt up next, I’m sure he can give this game a valiant effort.

a. STAT: Josh Estryn with 35 points (1^st among league gingers)

b. You guessed it, the most coveted race is back: highest scoring redhead. And once again, Josh Estryn beats out his pale-skinned brethren to snatch the fire-laden crown. Congrats Carrot Top! (Or Carrot bottom. Or Carrot Side. #liveyourtruth)

a. STAT: Ocho K 45 points (1^st among supplemental picks)

b. If orange wishes as hard for a victory as Connor Wilson does to become the first gay Disney Princess, then they will win a championship for sure. Though me and my naughti nauti boys will work hard as can be to make that clock strike midnight and turn them back into that pumpkin.

a. STAT: Randall T (64 points) and Art H (61 Points) (one of three teams with two 60-point receivers)

b. Fact #1: Olive has won three of their last four games, making them one of the hottest teams going into playoffs

Fact #2: Led by Hamblin and Wyatt, olive has remained one of the most cohesive and positive teams throughout the entire season.

Conclusion: Being both competitive and positive-minded actually gets you wins!

a. STAT: Luke Bede 65 yards/TD (1^st in league)

b. White lost their last two games by only one point each. These oh-so-closes and sugary-sounding team name make me think of another sweet treat: Klondikes Bars. ♪What would you do-o-o for an Extra Point? ♪

But actually, what would you do for an extra point? *insert that purple faced-emoji that you all use exclusively on Grindr or Scruff*

a. STAT: 3 rookies with points scored (Chris Copeland, Mya Bembry, Daniel Knickelbein) (1^st in League)

b. Last time Kozak and Austin were on a brown team in 2015, they went 3-6. This season together on a brown team, they go 3-6. Can’t wait for Part III in 2033, when they will go, you guessed it, 3-6.

a. STAT: Tommy L 79 points (5^th in league)

b. Cardinal’s season was like planning an incredible brunch with a great slate of friends. Except one goes at the wrong time. One goes on the wrong day. Another goes to the wrong restaurant. One gets drunk way too quickly. Another has a hookup they would rather be at. And soon enough, the hostess is confirming your reservation for 12 and you sheepishly replies, “no for 4.” And as you walk to your table, you wonder if she’s judging you and if this could have gone better.

I hate to break it to you, but yes, she is judging you. And yes, it could have gone better.

a. STAT: Matt R 68 points (first among rookies)

b. Captain DJ DJ, when you sat down at the turntables for this season, what this your Pursuit of Happiness? We know you just need somebody to Lean On, but you were not Titanium. In the huddle, you had to be saying Don’t You Worry, Child, and yet you never seemed to Get Lucky. Because when you asked Turn Down for What, it certainly wasn’t victories.

Luckily, we can wake you up when it’s all over. Hopefully, you can all say We Found Love in this hopeless place. With this season coming to a close, you might just get a good feeling that you never ever had before, oh no no. Listen To you Heart, and just say Whatever.

a. STAT: Trevor Nordquist 4 sacks (2^nd among rookies)

b. Let’s play Jeopardy!

ANSWER: The cast of showgirls watching the movie, midway through a terrible hookup, being on the Kelly Green team

QUESTION: What are three things you force a smile for but are desperate to be over?