Power Rankings

I promise you that giving this team the #1 spot hurts me more than anyone else. I mean, my team of strategists wrestled around the clock to find some way that we could possibly avoid giving my husband the top billing for another week in a row, but he is unfortunately and unarguably on the top team to watch this season. We get it, you guys are athletic. Cam led his team to victory with well-executed plays and that boyish, Americana-football player style that sideline fans have come to know and love. 

I will be rooting for your demise.

Something about this team is giving me underdog vibes. Is it their lithe bodies galavanting across the field and somehow securing a healthy victory over formidable opponents? Could it be the work of rookie and potential rising star Brandon Recto? Will Camille be forced to carry the entire team on her back all the way through the finals? 

Possibly, probably, and almost definitely.

This team of twinks and trash talkers may just have the charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent to secure a spot in the championships, but I want to make them work for it a little more. There’s an air of privilege amidst all of that great hair and good looks that I can’t fully support just yet. Sure, you guys had a great game, but like, stop being so pretty about it.

I have been advised by my lawyers not to speak about the violent attacks that my QB leveled against his boyfriend on the field due to my closeness to the situation. However, I will say that JC’s commitment to victory at all costs – even if it means pummeling Noah into the ground, and finishing him off as he recovered on the sidelines, just to ensure his total annihilation – is nothing short of admirable and heroic. Some people would be embarrassed or feel ashamed about attempting to kill their partner so publicly for the pure sake of winning a football game. But not JC. Nothing but respect for my president!

Ask yourself this: If Navy Blue is willing to physically destroy our own lovers, what do you think we’ll do to you and your team?

Seafoam had a fantastic showing during its first game of the season, gaining a significant lead against its worthy opponents during a well-fought match. The same cannot be said for the team’s captain, however, who TMZ found boozing it up with his boo and the bourgeoisie in Napa Valley at a straight people’s wedding all weekend. Will Seafoam continue to rise above the waves, or get dragged down to the bottom of the ocean by its MIA captain?

The silver team refused to fall into a black hole, instead climbing up the rankings this week after a powerful showing on the scoreboard. I’ll admit that I didn’t watch this game whatsoever, and none of my sources in the field reported back much drama, besides a few injuries among your opponents. Boring! You guys won’t get anywhere in this league without adding a little bit of flair and edge to your game. 

Next time, go for the jugulars! (My lawyers have advised me to express here that I do not condone violence in any way, shape, or form.)

Word on the street is that the Maroon team ain’t nothing to f*&k with! Still, facing a team absent a leader, I was hoping for more of a blowout (or at the very least, a happy ending.) I still have high hopes for this squad, and I expect their strength to grow throughout the season.

I’ll admit again that I did not get to see this game, but seeing as though your roster is full of 10s, I’ll be sure to catch the next one. I will say that your reputation unfortunately precedes you; Ryan Winter was caught bragging at Shaker’s about his victorious play over Sean Karson on a single post. 

Ryan, a word of advice: Let your success move in silence. Nobody likes a sore winner.

Most of this game was like edging: There was a whole lot of back and forth, but very little climax. Rookie Andre Brown seemed right at home and looked like he might even be the dom in the relationship, while Alex P’s presence was hard to miss as he zipped around the field like a golden bee. 

Hoping the Gold team is showered with a few more Ws this season.

This team had a lot of trash talk to say after LOSING to Navy Blue about the amount of sacks they got. And sure, they got more sacks than a designer handbag clearance sale. They got more sacks than a brunch buffet has mimosas. They got more sacks than children who have Nick Cannon as their father. You get the point. But guess what, y’all still lost, and you might be officially down a whole player if JC continues to have his way with Noah. I’d watch out if I were the rest of you. 

(My lawyer is now encouraging me to drop out of the league and flee the country.)

A friendly, close game that was as boring to watch as it is to now write about. I want to make fun of you guys for losing, but this team is giving sportsmanlike conduct. 

I swear, half of these teams brought the fire and ice to the first weekend of games, while the rest of you made it seem like we’re some sort of loving community that treats each other with respect and kind intentions.

Like a bottom claiming to be a Power Vers, the Neon Pink team almost flipped the script from bottom to top with an epic final drive, but in the end could not secure the money shot. Both teams seemed to be playing like they were on a first date after a 20-year-relationship-gone-wrong: Not quite sure what to make of each other or whether touching would immediately be considered inappropriate. 

Loosen your Neon Pink soles a bit for the next game and try to have some fun out there.

Despite both the captain and quarterback for this team looking like they could play main characters on Friday Night Lights, these alleged footballers didn’t have the game knowledge and stamina in real life to bang out a win. There’s a whole lot of potential on this team, and some sure-fire skilled athletes that can help take home a trophy (looking at you, Applewhite). Hopefully Lime can squeeze out a few Ws this season.

This team seems to have all the right parts, but lacked the unity necessary to take home a first week victory. With Captain Jim and QB Mike’s many, many, many years of experience, I was expecting a bit more out of this team. There are some power players here who should not go unnoticed, and a few rising stars to keep tabs on as well. But without a tad more organization, communication and verve, I’m not sure red has the heat to match fire with fire.

Seafoam ran through this team’s defense harder than a leftover twink at Bunker’s last call. QB Andrew couldn’t quite get any offensive plays to stick, leading to a pretty devastating loss. Is this coral reef going to bleach and die like the rest of them – we shouldn’t be making puns about climate change, it’s really serious, guys – or can they work miracles together and build a new foundation? 

Much like Mother Nature, I am losing hope in coral.

Finally, some drama! Sure, your team was trounced and lost in a pretty miserable defeat to Sapphire. But you also racked up unsportsmanlike penalties and calls for unnecessary roughness, which we love to see! (My lawyer is now having a full-blown panic attack.) Keep at it, and you will have a loyal sideline fan in me for the rest of the season. Or get your act together and you might still have a shot at coming back, though that option sounds far more boring.

You guys had to know what you were doing when you decided to give your team the name “The Black Holes.” Buckle up, this is going to get messy: The Black Holes were left battered and bruised after some rough digging from the Silver team left star players Tracy and BB bent over and incapacitated. I wanted to see you shine, but I guess what they say is true: No light can escape a black hole. 

Pucker up and practice your kegels – The Black Holes have a long, long way to go.

Talk about a fall from grace. This team has all the makings for a final four challenger, but the captain is asleep at the wheel. Captain Joe has now missed the draft, the TAP party, the first practice AND was late to the first game (which he literally overslept for.) Joe, a word of advice: Entire civilizations have crumbled due to leadership vacuums, and your gays are currently absent a king. 

Dust off your crown and get back in the game.