Power Rankings

Looks like Daddy Chill’s opponents were no match for their dad bods and tight ends, since they absolutely spanked the other team in a 36-0 victory. Personally, we’re more interested in the tea that was spilled at their team’s messy Saturday Funday – or rather, the enormous bucket of soap water that got sloshed at Noah and J.C. during said Saturday Funday. Were the daddies too busy consoling their opponents to clean up the league’s favorite jawlines and cheekbones?

Chris: I can’t even be shady about a team with a name that is so poorly derivative as this one when they possess such a record. I mean, their winning streak is so long, I’m starting to think they have a secret weapon hidden in their jockstraps. They’re picking up more wins than Nick Cannon has children. I heard their championship parade will be on Fire Island, and I better get the invite.

Pete: I love that for you. Anyways, Cam went home Sunday with his bucket hats and Pink’s undefeated record intact, but not without a tough fight from Maroon. Will other teams continue to find the chinks in Pink’s armor? Or will their captain barbecue and bullrush, I mean bulldoze, his team’s way to the crown?

Pete: This team continues to look (nearly) inDomitable, demonstrating total versatility in Ben H spreading the ball around on O (we see you Megan!), and on the flip side, its D forcefully blockading Navy in the first half. Is there anything they can’t do?

Chris: Like any good villain, the Atomic Blue team is causing chaos and leaving their opponents in ruins. While they may have won by a narrow margin, Andrew, Andy and Jeff managed to lead their team to an explosive victory that left their opponents feeling positively radioactive. Oh BTW, Lady Gaga called me in full method-acting mode for her upcoming role as Harley Quinn, and she wants to be your sideline cheerleader.

Chris: This game was tight. Like, really tight. Tighter than a pair of youth-sized cleats on a grown man. Tighter than a chastity lock at Folsom Street Fair, a latex bodysuit on RuPaul’s Drag Race, a…well, you get the point. Tight-anium kept their cool and scored when it counted. The offense was compressed, but not defeated. Can I do one more ‘tight’ pun? Tighter than a corset on Dita Von Teese. There. Thank you for supporting my disgusting addiction.

Chris: This message is for Matt H.’s mother, who confronted me on the sidelines over my previous power rankings and said she was disappointed that I called her son’s team overrated. If you are not Matt H.’s mother, keep scrolling. Look, Shari, you and I would clearly make great friends, why does Matt’s extremely mid team have to get in the way of that? I can be the son you always wanted. Sure, Matt got the MVP title, and that will literally never happen for me, but I can offer you bottomless sideline mimosas, fun chants and shameless twerking lessons!

You know, we want to be shady to this team, but we actually have a lot of respect for the elderly. I mean, we learned about the many wonderful contributions some of this team’s players made to the league back in elementary school! We think these guys might have a few final solid games left in them, and we’ll be rooting for them, as loudly as possible so they can hopefully hear us from the sidelines.

Pete: The Fanta-sies poured their hearts into this fountain drink internecine war, but some late great plays by Mellow Yellow proved too potent, and Ben’s last Hail Mary passes just couldn’t connect. On the brighter side, their QB’s shirtless displays during stretching, warmups, and postgame kept all our daddy fanta-sies alive.

Pete: At times it looked like Maroon might make carnations out of Pink’s roses, but in the end, too much rust grew between this team’s telephones.

Chris: Pete’s eloquent and high-brow humor has once again gone above my head, but I would just like to note that Obie’s butt almost completely flashed the sidelines during this game. We love a good ol’ peachy moment.

Pete: The Boat Stuff ended a little messy this week, but hey, that’s to be expected after a tussle with the relentless and punishing Dom Trops. Still, it warmed our icy hearts to see husband-wife duo Matt and Sam connecting on passes – true love and Traditional Marriage™ are alive and well, kids!

Pete: The Royal Tenenbottoms outshot in this shootout of a game, with Papa Wagner finding targets in his Tenenbottoms Michael, Smiffy, and Evan. Teaching Logan Roy and us all that you can, in fact, win just by saying the highest number.

Pete: Papa can you hear me? These Cherries have plenty of raw (sorry) talent, but it just isn’t bursting through (oops) into W’s.

Chris: Honestly, no. The Mean Green Fighting Machines ate this team up in a less-than epic showdown, and it happened to be the same moment when my iced coffee ran out. Y’all know I don’t like that, and y’all it’s your fault. Next time, bring Dunkin’ and I’ll lift you up two spots in the rankings. We love a rig!

Deep in the Bush managed to claw their way to victory, but it wasn’t without some hairy moments. Their inconsistent performance left the crowd bushed, but they managed to trim down the competition and come out on top. Despite a record that’s nothing to shrub about, the team is determined to keep their playoff hopes alive and continue to plant the seeds of success.

Pete: Dorsey attributes his stellar second half performance upsetting the Fanta-sies to “blacking out” and finding the zone. According to sage elder Vincent’s sideline musings, it’s that “more men need to be built on Waffle House.” Well whatever’s in your Mellow Yellow, keep drinking it, because with the talent spread around this team’s receivers and rush, a rise in the rankings could be nigh.

Pete: The Plumshots ended their first half with Logan rushing right into Harry’s plum rather than the opposing team. Perhaps emblematic of a game where defense seemed to still be in its bye week.

Pete: These Grays started out high end, showing a really strong D, with a try INT by Linda and a relentless rush by Tom + Bradley. But while their O came out guns blazing in the first half, in Act 2 they slipped, hit their head unceremoniously on the rail, and sank to the depths of a Royal Blue sea.

Pete: This one hurts. The delicate March beauty of our sweet bb Daffodils seemed to wither in the hot April sun, going 0-2 for the day. But they bore it all with characteristic grace and sportsmanship, and for that, they are and will always be All Stars.

Pete: Oh Pit Crew! The Daffodils’ heartbreaker was Pit Crew’s dream maker, and a dream is a wish your heart makes. Between the old guard on this team (Joe, Tony), the rookies (Will, Travis), and more, this Crew may be packing more than it first appeared. We say, dream on!

Chris: Pete is so cute, isn’t he? But let’s cut the BS. Lamar, this is a public but very direct message from your husband: DO. BETTER. I have spent the last two years working non-stop for us to become this league’s top power couple. I cannot have one-half of this relationship in the bottom of the rankings week after week. I can only single-handedly carry this team on my back for so long, so do your part and carry your team on yours.