Power Rankings

Well, after a matchup of quarterback BFFs, we now know who’d sell out their best friend for a high-five and a kit-kat bar. That crown had better be worth it! Meanwhile, Birthday Boy Jamal put up 3TDs and a PAT, Shaq found space in the back of the end zone several times, while Carnell continued his defensive dominance with another 4 sacks. Now that they’ve been putting up 10’s-10’s-10’s across the board they’ve already set their sights on playoffs and winning that championship. But who will they have to step on, what friendships will they have to sacrifice, which lovers will they have to leave behind to reach the lonely, lonely top? If this weekend is any indication, nobody, and I mean NOBODY, will stand in their way. Unless a spurned former-bestie comes through and sprains JC’s hamstring in playoffs just like last season – they just might.

Seafoam proved what its team is capable of when fully staffed—the offense was crisp, the defense flashed, and the stars continued to shine. Cash dominated the second half with a long touchdown and two crucial fourth down stops.

Honestly, the Committee is tired of glazing these Dix. We’ve written about their stars, their depth, their dashing good looks. After locking up the one seed, this team looks destined to be playing on championship Sunday. Let’s hope they don’t sleepwalk into the postseason by overlooking their matchup with a resurgent, talented, reinvigorated Light Blue team (we are all so proud of you!!!). And who knows—maybe everyone will actually get in the game this time!

In the dual feature Game of the Week, White’s performance was very… plain. With their star quarterback and safety on yet another vacation (we miss you Oriya—don’t forget to play football sometimes!), the Tease could not seal the deal. And they let the referees know, too. You know things are bad when Clem goes on a public apology tour to anyone who may have been wearing stripes in his game.

But Oriya is coming back. Derrick is returning from injury. And like a Viking River Cruise ship (and with a similar demographic makeup), the rest of this very old, very slow team is creaking dutifully into the playoffs. Don’t make the same mistake as the Power Rankings Committee and sleep on this team—you’ll just be watching them on championship Sunday march methodically and ever so slowly down the field.

The Committee pities whoever gets Kelly in the first round of the playoffs because girl—this team looks unstoppable lately. Jim has been on a heater. Chad looks like Ray Lewis. Tommy and Michael have been dominating on both sides of the ball. Kevin is once again an MVP candidate (stop us if you’ve heard it before). And to make matters worse, Brandon has this team running RAGGED at every team mixer, pregame, bar crawl, brunch, and social gathering in the greater DMV area. We’re exhausted just watching on our Instagram stories. How can a team this talented also have immaculate social vibes–and the social battery to keep up?

Like Tiger in his acapella era junior year of college, the Thots appear to have peaked too soon. After starting 4-0, they’ve lost three of their last four. Sure, they’ll point to excuses, absences, and injuries to their extremities and tendons and egos. But there’s no denying that this talented team has been underperforming in April. We have them at #5, but they could be as low as the four seed if the games don’t go their way on Sunday. They’re limping into the playoffs—and that’s not just a joke about Tyler’s tendinitis.

By having at least one player with cartilage left in their knees, Purple continues to prove that the power of youth can really carry a team in this league. Elijah M. has snagged TDs in the last 5 games in a row (and in many cases, multiple per game), supported by scores from his brother Jordan, Christian A, and Cee this weekend. This team has no issue putting up points.

But, honest question: WHERE. IS. THE DEFENSE? You had a whole-ass extra person on the field than the other team and they still managed to put up 27 points? I know the idea of touching a straight man sounds icky, believe me I don’t want to catch the plague either, but sometimes you gotta do it for the common good. Or you can continue to let Bryan S. flaunt those feminine hips all the way to the end zone again and again.

Gold scored four touchdowns with only six players. To the seven teams that were outscored by a team with six: you’re lucky to be ranked above the taco this week. It was a big stats day for the Bryan caucus (Sanders and Burke) but rumor has it that some on-field extracurricular shoving and shouting left even our most unflappable league members feeling flustered. If Gold wants to pull off an upset over Olive, it will need (a) a complete team, (b) some anger management classes, and (c) Jesus Christ himself (I heard he’s on the supplemental draft board).

Hope these chiefs got to have sweet dreams of shaft – sleeping in after their opponents forfeited their 9AM game..

Still seen at the fields for some reason, Captain Matt, scouting the next great American conquest. It’s all the rage these days.

The bestie bowl was bound to end in tragedy for one intrepid QB. Unfortunately for these forest daddies, it was Luis who experienced the bestie betrayal – finding out his BFF would gladly dropkick him if it meant yet another shot at the championship. Gerel did his best by bouncing all over the field to snag catches left and right while Dylan B. found an interception fall right into his waiting hands. This team went from the besties with benefits to besties bested.

On this holy sabbath–the fourth Sunday of Easter, as our attentive Catholic readers can attest–one thing was made clear: Vintage Gray’s hands may be made for praying, but they are not ready for catching. Look, we all know AJ can put some heat on the ball. But we need next gen analysis to determine if a quarterback ever had a higher percentage of his interceptions come after bouncing off the hands of a receiver. But struggle as they might to reel in catches, any team that matches up with them come playoffs can catch these drop-prone hands. With a tough game against a surging Kelly team on the horizon, and a lot at stake in terms of playoff seeding, expect Playoff AJ to come out and put his team in a position to win.

Don’t look now, but Cobalt is on a win streak! With faith, trust, and a whole lot of forcing the ball to Cedric, the Power Drillers pulled out a major win in one of our Games of the Week. Shoutout to Andrew for a long game clinching catch and for Daniel for always being a model of temperamental rectitude, keeping cool in the face of the sinister designs of our volunteer referees! And as an added bonus, our inside reporting confirmed that perennially-injured Morgan uttered a sentence that 60% of the league could not: “I’m very happy to be walking in no pain again.” He seems to be walking all over Europe just fine at least.

Now, the bad news. Sources with the Power Drillers front office say that even fielding a team this week will be difficult. But if they manage to get 7 players out to Carter Barron at 9am, look out for an upset this week against the backsliding Chartreusive Thots.

Blue Woke TF Up Finally converted what initially looked like a groggy first half to a complete shut out second half - keeping Atomic from scoring a single point after their halftime team huddle. Rumor has it Jordan A gave a motivational locker room speech mid-game that could compete with the best of them, marginally editorialized: “Here’s how you win the game. Don’t. Drop. The. F’ing. Ball.”

With that rousing speech, the bakers sprung into action – no sleep, bus, touchdown Jordan, another touchdown Brandon R., another touchdown Patrick P, punt, next play, bully the kid still waiting for his growth spurt.

The real secret behind the team’s success? Alternate uniforms that accentuated the players’… assets. And by assets, we mean their chests. Pecs. Honkers. Sources say Crush was abuzz talking about the boys in black, with some saying that Blue Wake should always be “t*ts out for the girls.” Did the himbofication of these buxom Bakes unleash something inside them? Will they continue their cosplay—in front of a paywall, no less? Find out the full, unedited answer to these questions next week by subscribing to Game Glimpse Premium.

This ain’t a run-of-the-mill 2-6 team. Quarterback Chris was kicking himself after messing around with a lead late in the second half and missing two short fourth down conversions. But even missing key players like Art, Kevin, and Aaron, this team was in control until they went up in flames late in the game. When fully loaded (and loxed?), the combination of Chad “Down There Somewhere” Morris, Chris “Naruto Run Scramblin’” Daniel, and Andrew “Back From Vacation” Grafton–plus a strong and deep cast around them–is going to be a tough matchup for just about any team in this league. That is, if Chris can remember to use his run on fourth down…

How to lose a game in 10 ways:

1. Get four INTs and lead by several scores in the first half
2. Do nothing you did the first half.
3. Let Chris D choose volleyball over football.
4. Send a 5’7” on a good day Austin against opposing rush averaging 6’3”
5. Punt the ball at max 10 yards forward.
6. Let Brandon R catch the ball and Jordan A run with the ball.
7. Have another player on the team break a finger - for once NOT Tiger.
8. Figure out how to score a PAT - tell no one.
9. Brace for the inevitable defeat.

10. Repeat steps 2-9.

    

Hear ye, hear ye! Gather round for the good news! The impossible has happened: BluPaul’s Drag Race has won a game—and it wasn’t by forfeit! We shall slay the fattened calf! We shall throw a feast!

In an achievement that ranks up there with the splitting of the atom, the lunar landing, the invention of the Internet—in the eighth week of the season, a team full of A-level travel players managed to eke out its first victory in our recreational Sunday League. Juan, finally playing not-quarterback (thank god), looked like his old MVP self. Matt was throwing dots. Taylor and Ethan made big plays. Do you believe in miracles? Yes!

In lieu of a power ranking, the committee humbly proposes a poem for a 2-5 team that decided to forfeit:

Pinot noir, all-night bar.

Pinot noir, old lumbar

Pinot noir, field’s too far.

Skipping sports is spectacu-LAR.

Pinot noir, escritoire.

Pinot noir, my memoire.

Pinot noir, who we are:

Playoffs we’ll say au revoir.