Power Rankings

These “Tops” are staying committed to the bit… so far at least. They survived a close call from True Red, but they’re continuing to loom tall. Ryan W. continues to threaten as someone who always finds a way to come down with the ball on O, and be generally big and in the middle on D. That said, this Commission must note that 1) this game came down to a final, questionable score by that player and 2) the Game Glimpse footage of said presumptive score has mysteriously gone missing. We demand a full inquest, hearings, and indictments if that is where the facts lead.

Also, rookie QB Chad is spreading the ball around well. He even tried sharing throwing responsibilities with veteran QB Mark H. for – checks notes – a single play before he promptly snatched it back. Honestly, more of this diva behavior please.

Given that last week’s writeup for this team was saturated with Milk puns, we refuse to give you any more… so the best we can do is a few Hole puns. Another Top® team survives a scare after peering into the deep dark abyss of loss. This game was a back-and-forth battle of the XP’s, with a few 2-point tries putting White just narrowly over the edge over Silver, leaving them gaping at how close they came. Prolific Sacker Carnell only managed a single snatch this game… but he loaded up with two TDs. And QBCommish Cam drilled his way across the 1st yard line in some critical deployments of his run.

Speaking of whom, our dearest leader under his executive privilege would like it to be known that in this Division Crossover week, the Commanders Division went 6-2 over Nellie’s. We serve at the pleasure.

We hear this was a messy one for our self-proclaimed Sexxy Reds, but a win’s a win. They were down some players (as were their opponents, in fairness) due to varying attendance issues, and those who were there in body but not in spirit looked like they had committed a few cardinal sins the night before celebrating QB Austin P.’s birthday. Even so, they easily carved into the hapless PumpHims, bolstered by maybe-they-play-better-that-way receivers JC and Andy A. Still, if these Cardinals want to be elevated to the top position in the next conclave, they’re going to need more than vibes and a prayer.

Don’t get it twisted, these Nurples are good! After a shootout victory versus Royal Heather, Purple has shot up the rankings! Despite Twon being held in check for the majority of the game, AJ spread the ball to his other Purple Peeps (trademark pending). Bryan and Aaron consistently found the end zone in an offensive masterclass combined with Noah’s 2 additional iconique sacks… Purple braved the rain and reigned supreme. (Stop complaining at the refs all game though, its annoying divas).

Yes, they lost by a point, but strangely enough given the strong personalities on this team, they seemed to accept it with grace and maybe even considered it a red badge of courage to have gotten that close to lopping off the Tree Tops. Are they protesting too much, or have they found sportsmanship? We remain skeptical. When asked about how Red lost this one, sources widely cited a height deficiency, which yeah, seems fair – especially without Matt R. this week, they were keeping it quite Little while they Rode, roughly. (See above on the subject of Ryan W.’s defensive play called being big and in the middle). Honorable mention to Jarred B. who’s turning into a playmaker to watch though!

Kelly, can you handle this? Cause this squad was looking bluety-licious on Sunday, strutting out like a totally different team from the one that lost to True Red the week prior. Their lockdown D shut out an (admittedly, partially staffed) Kelly Green in the first half entirely, and they didn’t ease off the gas in the second, winning by a full 5 scores. O and D were both (t)werking well, with QB Jim C. finding a variety of receivers, the usual suspects and not; and a final INT by Captain Jamal L. sealed the deal. If they keep bringing this jelly, things are looking up for Bluety.

With several of their players Irish goodbyeing this game for greener pastures before it even began, the rest were left to muddle through this rainy game as best they could. But the Bluetys’ defense had them flummoxed from the beginning, and things never really got better for them. The one TD they squeezed out in the second half helped preserve *some* of their dignity, and the Nick W. acrobatics were on full display… even so, we imagine upon his return Cap’n Matt is going to have some stern words for his team. By the end, their Irish goodbye turned into more of an Irish Wake.

The Hoes keep winning! An offensive explosion from Cam, Dan, Jordan, and Jason helped Sapphire pick up their 2nd win in a row. Curtis once again turned the field into a track meet and was seen running all over the Gold team. Their schedule gets much harder from here though, so let’s see if Sapphire can keep heisting wins, or if they’ll sink deep into the HOcean.

After squeaking out a few close games, Seafoam’s bubble burst and they earned their first L of the season (also close). After having a pretty anemic start (beleaguered by both Yellow’s rush and some catching difficulties in the rain), their offense started finding their groove in the second half — and after Michael O’s two sacks and a clutch TOD, they were in position to score in the final drive and snatch the crown. But it wasn’t meant to be, and they were left with all foam and no beer…. along with Dad Andrew G.’s juiceboxes. The old queens played with grit though, and they get an A for effort on a sloppy, frothy day.

Birds of a feather, lose together! These birds put up a good battle against Purple, but their downy feathers hindered them in the rain. Royal Heather pulled in multiple touchdowns from Ethan, Nate, and Dawson, but their defense left much to be desired, tallying their first loss of the season. Oh Jordan oh Jordan where art thou Jordan, these Birds of Prey are praying you’re back next week to get them back in the win column.

Hello, Yellow Bricked Hoes! The dogs of society (and a player named Wuf) were howling this week. They (barely) clinched their first W over Seafoam in a game that came down to the very last play; with rookie QB James E. looking more and more confident, Paul W. tongue-out cooking as usual, and a returning James F. generally terrorizing Seafoam’s receivers.

One unnamed former member of this Committee and Mistress of Shade Emerita has lodged an *entirely anonymous* complaint with this author that he was unjustly and flagrantly bull rushed, and it was apparently all ref JC’s fault for not catching it or something, and he’ll be suing for the damages his ribcage almost (so I guess didn’t?) suffered. We love a victimized winner complex, so we’re more than happy to pass on the message. Anyways, if this team keeps it up, we’re not quite sure they’ll ease on down the road ahead, but it’s looking much less bumpy than the start.

The winner of the BlackPink game of the week matchup: PrEPpa Pigs! After an 0-2 start, Neon Pink picks up its first win in dramatic fashion, a mercy rule victory (over the #16 team…)! Is this the new Pink team? Probably not, but a win is a win nonetheless. Kevin H (player of the week candidate and likely winner in my humble opinion) went off with 4 TDs, including a pick 6, to help propel the Piggies to a big win. *Breaking News*: This was also QB Zach’s first DCGFFL game without throwing an interception (hold for applause). Are the Pigs PrEPared to keep winning, or will they forget to take their W pill and fall right back down the rankings?

Golden Receivers? Idk, they look more like Golden Retrievers so far the way they’re always chasing after the competition. After 3 games, these Receivers are still trying to catch their first win, and it doesn’t get any easier with their next 2 games coming against undefeated teams. The brotherly connection between Chris and Kevin paved the way with points this week, but that’s really all there is to talk about so far. We’ll see if y’all have a ball after the supplemental draft, or if you will continue to spiral.

I have to say, I’m surprised this team doesn’t have a win yet. Referring back to last week: “Another close loss and these girls might need more than a timeout”… How are we feeling Chr0me-0s? Chr0me D0me still has 0 wins despite 3 one score losses on the season, 0uch. 3 TDs from Morgan and 1 from TJ wasn’t enough for a win, but with all this scoring, this team is sure to find its first win soon. Will Silver slither its way up the rankings, or will these Chromo-homos have no-mo wins the whole season?

Oh this fall from grace should be studied. Preseason #1 to Week 3 #15, Orange needs to Pump themselves with some confidence to string some wins together if they want to move back up these rankings. Sugar, Spice, and Everything… Not so nice (so far). Nonetheless, it was an impressive 2nd half with TDs from Jordan, Reed, and Mike, but the deficit from the first half was too much to overcome. It’s fall y’all, spooky season, leaves are changing, Pumpkin Spice is in… So let’s get into the endzone a little more, why don’t we?

Black That Ass Up? More like Beat That Ass Up… Whew the supplemental draft couldn’t come soon enough for this team, they were not PrEPared to take on the Piggies this week, and it showed. A TD each from Jonathan and Mike, and then one XP from Josh was not enough to keep them in the game, as they gave up five TDs (plus an additional pick 6 but not too much on that). Let’s see if the supplemental draft can save their season, or That Ass will stay at the bottom of the rankings.