Power Rankings

This film follows a seemingly unstoppable force that terrorizes its opponents for five consecutive weeks, until an unlikely exorcism (courtesy of Green) ends in a 20–12 defeat. Even more unsettling? Green pulled it off with a backup QB and a depleted roster. Black may still possess the top spot, but Sunday’s loss leaves one question hanging over their reign: was this an isolated incident, or has Green shown the rest of the league how to drive them out of the top spot for good?

In this psychological thriller, a mysterious force terrorizes its opponents despite being nearly impossible to see. When Sapphire arrives to face Foam Depot with just six players in tow, their opponents assume the missing seventh will give them the upper hand. But as the game unfolds, the understaffed Sapphic Snatchers prove every bit as dangerous as a full squad. With M repeatedly slipping out from center and seemingly vanishing before defenders’ eyes, Sapphire all but sealed another victory by the time reinforcements arrived. And in the film’s final twist, the missing player turns out to be the least of their worries. After all, if six Snatchers can do this much damage, imagine what seven could do.

In this slasher thriller, the league’s last undefeated team becomes the latest target of a mysterious figure known only as the Green Sniper. But when the mask comes off, the real shock is who’s behind it: backup QB Kori S., whose pregame nerves concealed a deadly throwing arm. As the body count rises, so does the suspicion that the Green Sniper isn’t acting alone. Those suspicions are confirmed when Ash Y. and Austyn are revealed as chief accomplices. With the rest of Full Bush in on the multi-TD attack, Black’s undefeated reign came to a bloody end, 20–12. As the credits roll, the Green Sniper disappears back into the shadows, leaving viewers with one question: for how long?

This film follows another backup quarterback who may not be who she said she was… Orange’s horror film is “Orphan:” a seemingly sweet, innocent backup who was dropping dimes all day, leading her team to victory while terrorizing the Yellow defense. And while OSHA’s 11 is still suffering from PTSD after dealing with Cassie M., our front office sources can report that the Board is delighted about possibly finding another quarterback for next season. The Orphan may have found a welcoming family after all.

Presumed dead after a winless start, Red makes an unexpected return to the land of the living with a 20–12 victory over the Strapbacks. With two TDs from OG Bre and another from Emily E., Red finally claws its way out from six feet under. Whether this resurrection lasts remains to be seen, but for the first time in weeks, the signs of life are hard to ignore.

In this film, paranormal investigators venture into OSHA headquarters to investigate reports of a missing offense. What they discover is a defense capable of shutting down opponents and a few signs of offensive life, including Bree’s lone TD and Maya’s extra point. But with no evidence of the team scoring more than 13 points all season, and another 12–7 loss to Orange, investigators are beginning to suspect the offense may never be found.

In this psychological horror film, Foam Depot is plagued by a sinister alter ego that seems determined to sabotage its every move. One moment, the team is putting together a promising touchdown drive or finding Charity for a big score. The next, promising possessions mysteriously stall or end in turnovers, even against a Sapphire squad playing with just six players for much of the first half. As the losses pile up, Seafoam desperately searches for the force behind its misfortunes, only to discover the most terrifying truth of all: the monster they’ve been hunting is none other than themselves.

A cast of hopeful underdogs returns each Sunday convinced this time will be different. Despite two touchdowns from Chelsea and Kat and an interception against Red by Des, the ending remains painfully predictable: another loss, and another week at the bottom. Rated R for repetitive suffering.