Power Rankings

Oh, look! You made it past our long, boring intro! Sucker.

It must be pretty cool to play for a team that features (1) the commissioner’s husband and (2) the son of the league’s most dedicated and passionate sponsor (we love you, Margie). And it must be pretty cool to referee their games, since they don’t get any penalties called on them. Okay, okay, in all seriousness, this has been the super-team everyone anticipated it would be after draft night. Even worse, they play well, show some strong camaraderie, AND make up new cheers for each game. I’d also like to commend the team on getting some serious contributions from FOGWAPS - no, that’s not GottMik’s long lost cousin, it’s the “Fraternity of Generals Who Actually Play Sundays” - add that to the league glossary alongside TAP, TDG, RFK, PEP, PrEP, BDSM, ABDL, and OMG my BFF Jill.

Brandon W. has had quite a career in DCGFFL, and dedicated so much time and energy to this league (and intimidating referees…come on, I had to), so we’ll let him get away with playing the “good guy” in this narrative that we haven’t seen a gay QB take a team to championship glory since Season 7, and that he’s the rightful heir. We just hope it’s like a Jon Snow type thing and not a Khaleesi type thing…yikes.

I cannot confirm or deny that Matan was cast as Eminem in the Israeli version of 8-mile, but I can tell you his pre-game mixtape features artists including Ofra Haza, Netta, Wu Tang, Neil Diamond, Billy Joel, and Adam Lambert. As for his teammates, Bobby’s and Ben’s draft strategy brought a bodacious brigade of ballers to bear a bounty of big wins.

Speaking of draft, how about Joel Horton repping NGFFL and DCGFFL at this year’s NFL draft? It took a long time for us to finally see this big historic moment, but not nearly as long as it took for Ben Hunt to once and for all lead a team to the DCGFFL championship (Season XXI). I love a lot of people on this team (Tony Smith, my (Gordo’s) forever teammate, among many others), but they only go as far as the Hunt karma/durability allows. Perhaps he finally exorcized his demons during the pandemic with all those injuries and trips to PV. Or perhaps it only bought him one great season? IDK, but please save me a cookie? Those are bomb diggity (I’m hip!).

Sean: I’m on Ben Hunt’s side - he watched my dog Freddie for a week. So I can’t say much bad about him.

Gordo: Oh look at you, waiting two minutes before talking about your dog.

Sean: Well he’s a cute little guy, although he’s failed at getting me a husband.

Gordo: You’re blaming Freddie for that?

Sean: I AM SO LONELY! cries into his jersey

Gordo: Take it easy there, champ. Maybe take a few plays off.

Sean: Yeah, I’m gonna go watch some Teletubbies and have an edible.

Andrew: Welp, I knew this day would come: the league finally has a handsome, left-handed, long-haired nice Jewish boy that’s actually likable. Helps that he’s a super athlete, too, propelling this team to a #2 seed in his rookie campaign.

Sean B: Tell us how you really feel.

A tip of the cap also goes to the veterans and Dads on this team for both steering the young impressionable athletes of this team (including everyone’s favorite thirsty ginger, Josh E.), and providing me (Gordo) with in-depth children’s tv show recommendations (Bluey FTW). Two big things at play this weekend will be Oriya’s durability, and Sean Karson and Fatima dueling it out for ‘nicest person we wouldn’t actually mind seeing win.’

We interrupt this preview to let John Riley weigh in with his analysis of the Patriots’ 6th round options for the 2029 NFL draft … had you for a minute, didn’t we?

Sean: Are you mad at John cuz you’re a Jets fan and your QB looks like he’s a twink on Purple?

Gordo: Well, they can’t all be Joe Burrow.

Sean: He is as American as apple pie. Or Dusty Rhodes.

Gordo: Such a common man.

Looks like Levert and Keith have teamed up for another Final Four run this season, and they’ve got some muscle in tow, including Ocho. Keith has only gotten better with each passing season (no pun intended … and have you seen that side-arm sling he’s got in his arsenal now?). And sign me up for the perfect buddy cop film starring Quinn and John Riley. At least we know Keith will have better protection than I do from explosive diaper changes (fatherhood is awesome, y’all).

Sean: Ocho is named after Chad Johnson, right?

Gordo: No one names their kids after Bengals players, Sean.

Sean: I named my first dog after Jeff Blake.

Gordo: I mean, my first pet bird was named after Joe Namath … but you named your dog after a quarterback who never had a winning record?

Sean: I lead a depressing life …

So what’s stopping Forest this season? Levert’s got to be exhausted this year between his multitude of injuries and wearing out his voice providing in-depth analysis for his opponents’ captains/QBs after each game (where he explains how he’s better than them). Jokes aside, I wouldn’t be surprised if he pulls up to the field in crutches before lacing up his boots. As a Knicks fan growing up, I loved Willis Reed, but I think Levert will be hard-pressed to get the same ovation. Maybe he can get one of those bubble suits?

For a team whose name implies they like things dirty (see what I did there?), they missed a golden opportunity to name themselves OliverTitties. Like a good dog dad, though, I’m not mad, just supremely disappointed. All that time Matt C. was watching Sean Connery sketches, and he missed his shot. Good thing he never misses his receivers with those lasers, though.

For real, though: if a team of introverts wins a DCGFFL championship, does it actually count? Does anyone crack a smile (including on the team)? Oh, and Desmond went to Wrestlemania this year, which automatically makes him cooler than us. At least Gordo got to work a show at DC Brau?

Sean: Wanna take a shot at spelling Paul G’s last name?

Gordo: Let’s see … G … U … ampersand … batman symbol … jelly donut …

Sean: Yep, that’s about it.

Gordo: Do you think he reads these?

Sean: I don’t know, but for our sake, let’s hope he’s not reffing either of our games.

A team color blessed by Saint Dolly? Sure.

Ghetto supastar

That is what you are

Coming from afar

Reaching for the stars

Run away with me to another place

We can rely on each other, uh-huh

From one corner to another, uh-huh

Wait, that’s not it. Speaking of oldies, but goodies, it’s very kind of John Clemons for bringing the age of this team down a few years. I do appreciate them using a football with a “Re-elect Carter” sticker on the backside.

Also props for the league creating the color “Island”. First guy I dated had the most beautiful features. I always told him I couldn’t stop looking at his Island colored eyes.

Gordo: Sean, you know what the perfect name for this team would be?

Sean: Do tell.

Gordo: Jens … with benefits.

Sean: Bravo, good sir.

(I’ve been holding on to that one for a few years)

Oh, I thought we were supposed to cancel the season and hand JC and Cameron the trophy when this QB/Captain pairing was first announced. Billed as our next QB legend, Big C struggled to find his footing at first, looking more like The Great White Hype than anything else (now there’s an antiquated movie reference for you). With JC and others falling to injury, this team was left Castaway (better?) until Nikki (an overall league MVP candidate in my opinion)grabbed the leadership reins and really got this teams rears in gear.

(Board Member note: MVP is determined by statistics.

Gordo note: Statistics are dumb.)

In the weeks that followed, QB1 started to show more trust in his receivers, no longer relying on what felt like maybe 2 targets. A shrewd supplemental pick in Sam Cramer shored up a lot of chemistry (and culinary) issues, and this team is looking red (or pink) hot heading into this weekend. Now THAT’S a good bake.

Gordo: What exactly IS “Super” Pink?

Sean: It’s pretty much when mid-game Sam Cramer begins twerking to “Get this party started”.

“The team with no name,” while initially laughed out of the draft room as “the team with no talent,” has had lots of opponents eating their Velveeta-covered words. Also, we’re salty the league wouldn’t let us use “Urine Trouble.” After a lackluster fall season, Ben McEvoy surrounded himself with an encouraging collection of (yes!) talented teammates (including rookie speedster Mike Bromell), and in combination with weekly yoga at the Green Lantern, has transformed into Zen McEvoy, showing both calm and poise in many a game situation.

So what’s holding this curly fried crew back? Days with multiple games (only losses happening in double-headers), Rob Casey (just in general), and figuring out which bar to frequent: Kiki (Keaton) or Wundergarten (Ben). The problem with the playoffs is that any path to success will involve all of these things, but hey, Captain Tom Loughran’s the guy to figure it out (can you tell someone’s lobbying for playing time?). After all, he found a way to get every single member of the team in the endzone this season (FREE BAR TAB!), which no other squad can boast. There’s your Gordo bias in action.

Sean: Can I call you team Dad joke?
Gordo: Why, are you trying to join?

Sean: My team is likely about to cut me for my jokes, so, uh, possibly.

Gordo: Umm, same? Maybe this is why we’ve both been assigned a non-playing role by writing this preview.

You know, I wanted to drop some shade on Brandon M. for his reputation of saying/doing some unsavory/unsportsmany things on the field, but, his rookie captainship has really done a lot for this league, if only to enthusiastically provide shade on his own players, so good on him (just please don’t German suplex or chokeslam any rushers/lineman this weekend, okay?).

Based on Brandon’s inside scoop, there seem to be a few variables at play that will determine Wonder’s playoff performance: can Obie hold steady, now that he’s lost his locks (and his strength, a la Samson)? We’ve seen Alex show up on the field, but will he ever show up at Kiki? Will it be 3” shorts weather for Andrew? Is Lamar going to be that super athlete this team needs, or will he get taken down by an eyelash in his eye?

Going into the season, the scouting report on QB Jamil was “he’s really really fast, but IDK if he’s a good QB?” and as the season progressed, most critics are saying … “he’s really really fast, but IDK if he’s a good QB?” Daddy Andy can hopefully be a guiding force, if he’s not wobbling his way around the field (and after his kids). Fernando has also been quite a presence on the sideline, but what does that mean for the team? Will he play? Which version of Fernando is gonna play, if he’s cleared to do so? The 6-sacks-in-one-game one? Or is he looking ahead to be 100% for kickball season?

Win or lose, though, Adam makes a great point: who doesn’t love a good twink?

We didn’t really get to see much of Magenta’s games this season, but we had no trouble at all HEARING them. The screams ranging from something that sounds like AJ belting out “WHY IS THERE NO VIDEO OF MY FOOTBALL GAMES?!?!” (that said, I do appreciate him filling the role of 2022’s version of Steven Seagal) to a series of F-bombs directed at referees, opponents, and, more than anyone else, teammates.

There are some highlights worth noting (outside of just general team energy - Derrick is an instant party, after all): Breanna is ALWAYS open, Ethan is back!, and Andrew Carr had a fantastic showing in the American Song Contest.

Gordo: While I struck out with sorority girls throughout my college experience, I still struggle with Greek letters. How exactly do you pronounce their team name?

Sean: I dunno. I have a hard enough time pronouncing words in English.

I’ve been waiting over two years to make this remark, and I’ve probably jinxed all of us, but here goes: if you’ve ever Lady-and-the-Tramped a one-dollar bill with a drag Hotchkiss, you’re probably immune to COVID-19.

As for this team and season, the season started in a State of Grace, collecting 4 victories from the go. The weeks that followed felt like Everything Has Changed, ending things on a Sad Beautiful Tragic note. To quote another respected gunslinger from pop culture, Sam Neil (people GET the Big Lebowski, right?): “sometimes you eat the bar, and sometimes, the bar, well, he eats you.”

How do they reverse their fortunes and Begin Again as the undefeated crew we saw early on? Lean on their leadership: Japinga can get this talent aligned, Hotchy has the moxy, and if Adam can help contribute to a little Strasmas miracle, we might find Red to be The Lucky One in the Final Four after all. My gut, however, says they’ll be the Girl at Home next weekend.

Sean: Gordo, did you hear about the really handsome guy on lime with the adorable little dachshund?

Gordo: We’re back on the dog again?

Sean: I only have a couple of go-to lines …

Gordo: Is that why you’re still single?
Sean: You’re in timeout, sir.

Gordo: Ok, but can I at least have one of your edibles?

Props to Jordan for coming up with Citrus Got Real, the by-far best nickname in the league this season. Also props to Marcello for bringing the 2022 version of the run-n-shoot offense to the DCGFFL, and to Emily for leading the team and possibly the league in fantasy football points.

Citrus picked some bad times to have players missing (see: forfeiting two games of a double header), but sometimes sh*t happens. Will tore his ACL, another player was out for the season, but they’re hitting their stride at the right time.

A little more about Will: despite his injury, he’s really taken time to find joy. Whether traveling the globe, reconnecting with friends across the country, or taking in the fine sights, sounds, smells, and adult beverages of this great nation, it’s been lovely to see him find himself this season.

He did need a map to help him find Carter Barron when he returned…

Okay, okay, Will is back, and ready to fire up this crew alongside the man who emerged as an outstanding rookie player/coach in Marcello (and the sneakers on Carter Barron turf is a gutsy move, but respectable). Sean will leave y’all with this final take: “don’t sleep on this team … ya know, cuz if you oversleep and miss your game, that’d be kinda bad.”

Well if it isn’t the island of misfit musical theater kids. Garrett grabbed himself quite a contingent of his fall Rec League championship team (whattup, Olive-ia Rodrighoes!), along with some top tier FOGWAPS talent like Joe Owens. My favorite thing about this team is perhaps them selecting both Chris R. and Randy, who I feel like are Jekyll and Hyde versions of one another (cue “This is the Moment”). I’m now standing by for Randy to choreograph something special for the end-of-season party.

Part of the 4-5 logjam of the Dirty Goose Division (all of that sounds just raunchy), I think this team is well-positioned to catch folks off guard, especially if Garrett is afforded the time he needs (Captain Tony B. and friends should be able to comply!) to extend some plays and make some great (tap dance) moves outside the pocket, maybe even in those Dad sweatpants. Getting to the Final Four might be a high intensity workout, but with enough splat points, why can’t orange squeeze out some big wins this weekend?

Sean: Why didn’t they name themselves Orange Cassidy?
Gordo: Sean, most people in the league don’t know who he is.

Sean: You mean they don’t know my future husband?

Gordo: Is this part of your ginger obsession?

Sean: I would call it more of a predilection. But sure, I’m good with whatever you call it.

Sean: Did you know Sam Brown ruins everything, Gordo?

Gordo: I didn’t. What harm has he caused?

Sean: I dunno … the great recession, the Kardashians, the death of the dinosaurs. Pretty much everything.

Give it up to Sam Brown for captaining even while he can’t play. This season hasn’t gone the way he wanted, but there’s only so much we can lay on his shoulders … ok that’s a lie, we can blame him for everything.

Going into the season, some said new QB Wilkes was a bit hard headed. Well, as someone who ran headfirst into it on our first offensive play a few weeks ago, I’m going to agree. Between that and Drew’s athleticism, distracting good looks, and audibly heavy breathing on the line of scrimmage, I’m surprised I didn’t leave that game with a new mancrush, concussion, or new COVID variant. We did leave with a sobering loss that day, though, so other teams beware.

And to Sean’s point, it’s hard to hate on this team when they have Brian Silverman at wideout, and you have two Jews writing this preview. Mazel Tov and stuff, sir.

I’m giving this team a below satisfactory for the name - Maroon Paul’s Drag Race? They do have our favorite drag queen, Jazzmine St James D’Monaco, so Bradley and co. deserve some credit for that.

Sean: Gordo, did I tell you what my drag name would be?

Gordo: Go on …

Sean: I would be … Amanda Schevitz!

Gordo: …

Sean: That’s good, right?

Gordo: Please go back to telling me about your dog …

When I saw this team on the field, and then saw this team’s record, I found myself asking “Wait, why isn’t this team good?” Marvin always deserves credit for throwing the hardest fastball in the league. After all, Sean’s been on two teams where Marvin’s throws broke fingers. And last time, he broke a teammate’s finger.

In warmups.

So what’s missing? One teammate compared it to the Golden State Warriors when KD first arrived. Can a team suffer from “too much” leadership? I respect the spirit of this crew, but maybe it’s too much Gryffindor and not enough Hufflepuff.

Their keys to success this weekend? More bourbon, more butterbeer, and more ballin’. I expect some noise from this crew, even if they’ve got an uphill climb.

“I don’t know what some of these captains do at these drafts.” -Bryan Sanders, 3/3/2022

We agree, Bryan. But we’d also like to give you credit for not only beating Sean in the palest DCGFFL contest, but also getting a sunburn during last week’s thunder storm. And to be fair, Joe Heron drafted one helluva team, it just, well, isn’t adding up. One thing that did come through this season? A dancing queen.

Click for live footage of the dancing queen: video.mov

Does Pat have the skills to squeak out an opening match-up victory? Yes, but it takes more than just him. One lesson that remains as true as ever in this league: it’s the players and veterans that lift you up who truly make a difference, not the ones quick to criticize. That said, we can’t wait for the Joe/Pat/Aaron twerk-off at Kiki.

There are not many people who “won” the pandemic years, but JC and his doomsday bod have to be up there. Some might call it a reinvention, but to be honest, the killer instinct and way of the sword have always been with JC, he just now shines that sword on his somehow perfectly tanned abs. (while Kevin Hamilton’s chiseled [yet pasty] abs, in stark contrast, blinded most opponents when he went “crop top” halfway through the season. Mmm, nothing like some pasty chiseled FOGWAPS).

That’s why we’re scratching our heads when he assembled the team everyone wanted to have mixers with. (We’re so confused, we ended that last sentence with a preposition! Don’t tell my Mom, she’s an English teacher.) Everytime I watch this squad I see Sean Holihan and a band of twinks. Like, sheesh, this team looks like the back row of a Bar Mitzvah filled with random gentile blondies. I expect them to come off the field asking “When do we get that wine thing you drink that has all the sugar…”

Speaking of charming blondes, we have to give our respect to rookie QB (and a rec team co-captain) Zach Brown, the human equivalent of a Ken doll. Thankfully, he’s significantly more mobile and athletic (and modest, already contributing so much to this league), but it was a rough go for the young gunslinger - a Twink-laden team didn’t do him many O-line favors, leaving little to no pass protection.

Look, we’re doing everything we can to avoid the obvious musician reference, but we’re considering this team to be Chicken Fried early on Sunday, and hey, Whatever It Is, we hope these players and their signal caller find more success in Colder Weather during the fall season. Still, we know on-field leaders like Amanda and sideline inspirers like Paddy Mac will make sure the team fights (or attempts to SLAYYYYYY) valiantly.

Broke: Nice guys finish last.

Woke: *Nice people

For as awesome as this board has been this season (seriously, I’ve loved the care, transparency, and approachability of this group so much), they probably would have served teams better if they were more widely distributed. Either way, lots of DCGFFL’ers will be rooting for them for one of two reasons: shock the world, or lock in the worst record of all time so that the rest of us don’t have as much shame being on a winless team from seasons past (shout out to Blue-a Lipa from this past fall!). Football futility is never fun, but this league sure is, and we have the good sports, good sportspeople, and good athletes of this team to thank.

Also let’s give it up for Kyle Butts, living simultaneously in nine different cities at one time. I would say he’s omnipresent, but I don’t know what that word means or if I’m using it correctly.

Well folks, that does it from us. Remember, if anything above bothered you or upset you, it wasn’t written by me and was definitely from the other guy.

Thanks again to all of you for making this community something truly special, and one of the highlights of our spring and fall, even more so now that we get to share it with my little Gordito (Gordo) and Freddie Mercury (Sean). Good luck, get off the bench, get in the game, have fun, be safe, and enjoy this upcoming weekend!