Week 9: Playoff Power Rankings
1 🥑 (Kelly Green) 11-0
The only question left: will Brandon be nicer to refs after he finally gets his win?
2 Gaystar Royalco (Royal Blue) 9-2
How do you solve a problem like Oriya?
How do you snatch his flag and slow him down?
How do you find a word that means Oriya?
A quarterback, a gunslinger, a bringer of beatdowns
3 Super Pwinks (Super Pink) 7-4
Super Pink won two games on Sunday but what’s more exciting was Nikki’s 2-0 day vs. Matan and the refs. Lesson #1: don’t blow kisses at your opponents if you’re not gonna win the game. Lesson #2: don’t throw flags on Nikki for giving as good as she gets.
4 Shaken Not Stirred (Olive) 9-2
If Avocado is the DCGFFL’s Avengers, I guess this would be the league’s Eternals: They’re old (so old), savvy, and accomplished - but it’s just not their time.
5 Buns of Steel (Steel Grey) 8-3
What a run by this team. I guess letting Black hang 30 points on you (only the third time they’ve done that all season) could have been a sign of things to come against Pink. However, for my money, Bobby is one of the best drafters this league has seen - she always has her teams in contention deep into the season.
6 Fwhorest Queens (Forest Green) 8-3
Right before their game against Olive, John Riley walked over to me and predicted a rough game against Pink. More people should listen to John Riley.
7 Easy Lei (Island Blue) 6-5
Okay, so “Jens with Benefits” is hilarious. What’s less funny is losing one of your best players to injury in Week 1, with Jack Miles injuring his knee during Island Blue’s doubleheader. And then Trey went down with an injured hamstring. And then Clem only played half a game against Royal in the playoffs. Kudos to this team for hanging tough and contending but also MAYBE draft a few guys who don’t make Joe Biden look nimble?
8 DC Gay Flag Football Team (Gold) 6-5
Team Hangover wound up having themselves a pretty good season AND managed to get everyone on the team a score. But their season is over. Good news, there will be an opportunity for more players to play in Pride Bowl. Good luck, Steph, Mel, and Mariam!
9 Wonder Bred (White) 4-6
White’s season is a lesson in how every captain should draft a backup QB just in case their starting QB is injured/abducted by aliens/goes to jail/moves to Canada mid-season. This team would have been lost without Andy Pratt.
10 μgenta Variant (Magenta) 4-6
Jamar oh my god I love you so much please stop playing football. Do it for Javi. Do it for your family. For your leg. For me. Think of the children.
11 Taylor's Version (Red) 4-6
Injuries - both physical and psychic - caused Taylor’s Version to go from a Love Story to Bad Blood. This is a story of what might have been if not for the Cursed Terrain of Carter Barron and the Power Rankings causing Red’s best players to miss chunks of the season.
12 Citrus Got Real (Lime Green) 4-6
“As I looked around at all the players leaving at half-time, I couldn’t help but wonder: are we a backup league? Or are these boys just not made for commitment?”
13 MaroonPauls Drag Race (Maroon) 4-7
No team had scored more than 27 points on Maroon and then Avocado came along and dropped 47 on them. Rude. A roster loaded with this much talent earns yet another Marvel movie reference: The Scarlet Witch.
The team is all chaos. Rage. Scared children. So much power and, yet, not able to harness it.
Video footage of Maroon anytime a ref makes a call that doesn’t go their way:
14 My Neck, My Black (Black) 3-8
Pat Shilo started to figure this whole QB thing out just in time to face…three teams that are all in the Final Four. In a row. The scheduling gods are harsh. Stick with it, Pat.
15 Orange Queery (Dark Orange) 4-6
Orange proclaimed themselves the most fun team in the league and while I don’t know about that (only see a few of y’all out on Sunday fundays), I do know that if each of their cheer squad’s abs counted as a point, they would have murdered Royal on Sunday.
16 Chrome Wreckers (Silver) 3-7
I like the soccer coach dad vibes that Sam Brown was giving on the sidelines all season.
17 Peritwinkle (Purple) 1-9
18 Boats 'N' Hoes (Navy) 0-10