Season 23 Power Rankings: Playoffs
1 I Run Gay (Iron Grey)
This team has done nothing but win all season long and that winning streak continued into the playoffs. Let the record show that they have earned the number 1 spot in these rankings.
This season has turned out to be quite the return for Evan B. He came back to our humble little league to remind the girlies that he’s still got it. With both him and the ever quick Peter P. running circles deep down field, I’d hate to be the one to cover either of them.
On defense, this team started showing off. There was an opportunity for a pick 6 for a wide-open Linda P., but Derrick J. was simply too quick getting that sack instead. We hate to see those get called back, but sacks are sacks.
Andy P. was everything, everywhere, all at once. On defense and on offense, he manned every person, intercepted all the balls, and got all the touchdowns. He still had the energy to cook dinner and take care of the kids. With 5 injured players, Andy just said “screw it, I’ll do it all myself.”
2 Oh My Goth (Black)
This team full of the gayest straight people we know struggled out of the gate against Royal Blue. Somehow the Goths were still able to claw back and after two rounds of overtime, Black completed their comeback thanks to a missed extra point. PHEW!
Black’s second game against the Shady Birches saw a bit of a reversion to the mean for this attendance-challenged but talented team. Although, who could forget the question heard around the DMV, “GORDO WHERE THE……ARE YOU?!?”
A question I’m sure his wife and child would love to have answered considering he somehow attends every single league social event and we’ve never seen them together in the same room…Are we sure they’re real or is this a Making Anna/Theranos situation? We’re just asking questions!!!
Tune in next week for the exciting conclusion of this season’s hottest new medical drama: Will JC’s Body Physically Survive This Season. If they play like they did against Royal, its only gotta last one more game
3 The Red Light District (Red)
Brandon as the last gay hope out of the final four QBs? Here we go again.
On a brighter note however, I think we might have finally found that red wave everyone has been waiting for. This team ended the season with a losing record of 4-5 and had fallen all the way down to 8th in last week’s rankings but look at them now: putting up 42 points against (quarterback-less) White but also only squeaking past Lime by a score. Add that uneven performance to BB’s absence and we’ll see if Tiger becomes all our daddies…We’re not opposed.
Anywho, so why is his name “BB”? Again, we’re just asking questions!!! ;)
4 Coral Fixation (Coral)
Yeah, we’re just as surprised as you are. But hey, everyone loves an underdog - even if all that dog does is bark at the refs instead of just playing the dang game.
That being said, this squad turned in one of their best performances when it mattered most and you can count us as impressed. A 31-18 rout against a formidable Seafoam and a 26-6 shellacking on an admittedly Twon-less Purple…woof. Those scores are even before we get to the FIVE INTERCEPTIONS they pulled in against Seafoam…WOOF.
So what does this mean for this weekend? On one hand, it’s hard to pick against a team that is playing its best football right when it matters. On the other hand, to complete their Cinderella story they’ll have to get by an equally hot Red only to run up against either an unbeaten Iron Grey or a half-asleep Black. We’ll see!
5 Foamosexuals (Seafoam Green) 3 last week
Foamosexuals started the day right. They were the number one seed in their division and played like a well-oiled machine in their first game against Yam It In; an early pick 6 by the ever fabulous Smiffy set the tone for the game. They were “feeling good, looking gorgeous” going into their next game against Coral Fixation, but that “Fooamoosexuaaal. Yeah. Yeah.” feeling quickly fizzled. After throwing multiple interceptions, Foamo couldn’t bubble back and lost against the underdogs of the Final Four.
6 Shady Birches (Forest Green) 1st last week
You hate to see them leave but you also hate to watch them walk away because this team’s vibes were just so dang good. The Birches just looked like they were having a great time all season and they were always riiiiight on the edge of being a top team but just could never break into that top tier.
We’re not totally sure we agree with Steph and Obie’s assessment of this team last week but Cam is known for his power rankings lobbying at Kiki or over text Monday morning so maybe that’s it. Frankly one of your authors is still a little hurt that his “Hey, what’s your number?” DM was just to beg to be ranked higher than White early in the season. Baby, let’s hang out.
7 Cerulean Gworls (Navy) 7 last week
This team shook us all when they defeated Rock Hard in overtime, delivering one of the biggest upsets this playoff weekend. It was a truly remarkable showing for this team who left it all on the field…which was unfortunate for them because their next game was against the undefeated I Run Gay. Cerulean Gworls did their best, but couldn’t repeat another upset.
8 Rock Hard (Graphite) 4 last week
And the upset of playoffs award goes to…Rock Hard for their overtime defeat against Cerulean Gworls. The thing about Rock Hard is that they were a team of truly talented players, but like graphite they cracked under too much pressure.
Speaking of “rock hard”, if this team didn’t have a mascot before they surely found it in Joe “The Wrecking Ball” Owens. On defense, Joe leveled his opponents; making Kevin H. look like Randy Moss. We are happy no one was seriously hurt and would like to remind folks we are playing flag football here.
9 Rick Royal'd (Royal) 11 last week
Let’s just say it, what was expected to be a blowout loss for Royal turned out to be one of their most defining games. Wyatt had Black on the ropes and almost broke JC Adam’s spirit like it was one of his ankles. This rookie QB turned in a masterful performance against one of the best teams this season and let’s also just say it…that catch might have been in. Well done, sir. We can’t wait to see what you bring to the field next season.
10 Cocked & Loaded Limebackers (Lime) 13 last week
This team was the wild card all season. While yes, their comeback against Sand was fun to watch, needing to come back against Sand is an indictment in itself. It made Black look like they had their stuff together by comparison.
Despite this ugly win they also put up an impressive 32 points against Red’s defense. We don’t get it. Last week’s authors said it best, this team was either on or off and well…
11 Purple Pee Hole Eaters (Purple) 6 last week
This team had it rough. Even though they were down Twon who had a bad back, QB Andrew had a lot of options with receivers such as Josh and Harry. Or speedy players like Paul or a leak to Scott. But alas, they could barely scrape up a drive.
12 Ready for this Kelly (Kelly Green) 18 last week
Yes, they “busted” our predictions (for the play-in game) and ended the season with one more win than last season’s Peritwinkle. They got us.
13 Blue World Order (Columbia Blue) 9 last week
Blue World Order woke up for the 8:30am play-in game and they blue it. Not much else to say but the vibes were just off and Levert can’t blame the refs for this one. On the bright side though, they were able to increase Kelly’s number of wins by 100% and give us some tea to spill (see above).
This wasn’t a fun one to write but…look what you made us blue.
14 Not Another White Refrigerator (White) 12 last week
After trying 3 different QBs, putting up only 2 points on the scoreboard, it was 1 sad game for this team. I think it might be time to replace this white refrigerator.
15 The Sandra Bullocks (Sand) 15 last week
Y’ALL WERE SO CLOSE!!! Up three scores over lime?!? This one hurts.
And for those keeping track at home, Sean Holihan now has 4 wins in the last two seasons. But in the worlds of Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter:
16 Gold Dogs, New Tricks (Gold) 14 last week
Unfortunately, this team hasn’t been the same since their QB Matt hurt his hand early in the regular season. Even though Matt did come back to finish the season, this team couldn’t rally in time for playoffs.
17 Yam It In (Burnt Orange) 16 last week
Hey Marvin…call me (Joe).
Joe: What’s your highlight of choice?
Eric: A return kick.
Joe: I was going to say the same thing.
Eric: Straight to Andy A.
Eric: Scoring immediately.
18 Yellow Brick Loads (Yellow) 17 last week
These yellow bricks couldn’t find their way to the w (the win and the wizard). They lost their 2 score lead against Yam It In which ultimately cost them the game. Now that their season is over, this team can finally wake up from this dream.