Season 23 Power Rankings: Week 5
1 Foamosexuals (Seafoam Green) 4-0
Moving on up to the coveted number one spot, we have Foamosexuals. This team had a dominant return to the fields…well at least in the first half. Matt H. caught a deep interception which turned the tide in favor of these foamos. They entered the second half with a commanding 2 touchdown lead only to quickly lose it, having to fight tooth and nail to win a very close game over Black.
2 Not Another White Refrigerator (White) 3-0
Don’t let N.A.W.R. in the second spot make yall think we’re being biased (cuz we definitely are, lol). But after a messy first half, the team recovered and became the well-oiled machine we all know to beat Kelly. We also have to applaud rookie players Kevin and Reed who stepped up and made some big plays! Next week is the real test as the team prepares to face off against fellow undefeated division member Iron along with Royal & Yellow.
3 Cocked & Loaded Limebackers (Lime) 3-0
Now don’t overlook this team…we mean how can you miss them with those jerseys?! Cocked & Loaded Limebackers have dominated their games thanks to their rookies Benny K. and Camille.
“Columbia had to suck the lime.” - Aaron R. We know one thing though, if Levert didn’t have food poisoning already, this certainly would have given it to him.
4 I Run Gay (Iron Grey) 3-0
Ain’t nothing like an extra week of no games. Unlike other teams who would have brunched it up on a gameless Sunday, Captain Derrick and QB Andy decided to use this time wisely and run a little practice with the team. We will see how successful this practice was next week when they play Sand, White, and Coral.
5 Purple Pee Hole Eaters (Purple) 3-1
It seems Twon’s flags are more elusive than a winning season for the Detroit Lions. Twon’s evasive spins, jukes, and even slow-motion moonwalking were the moves needed to see his team to back-to-back wins.
6 Shady Birches (Forest Green) 2-1
Now I know Cam and Hotchkiss got those skirts on clearance, but I would go ahead and ask for a full refund because
They thought they were “pitch perfect” with all their plays, but just like the movie franchise, it got worse with each sequel. All that’s left to say is… “Stop tryna make ‘pitch’ happen!”
7 Oh My Goth (Black) 3-2
This team may have fallen quite far from the number one spot they have enjoyed for several weeks, but don’t count them out just yet. Oh My Goth had a doubleheader and were down to just 8 players due to injuries and absences. Despite this, they were able to find their groove early in the second half against Seafoam and become the exceptional team we all know them to be. Unfortunately, that didn’t last long. During their game against Purple, Bryan S. had to politely remind his team of one of the most fundamental rules of flag football, “PULL THE [REDACTED] FLAGS!”
8 Cerulean Gworls (Navy) 2-2
First, let’s welcome back Jared M. to the league! This color-confused team made quick use of this amazing receiver. The team had some beautiful deep interceptions against Forest Green; sad to say, they couldn’t convert. They put in a lot of work to have little to no pay off. They may have lost their game against Forest Green, but they “won in spirit” - Bradley W.
9 Coral Fixation (Coral) 2-2
Although the team lost to Graphite in their second game, their first game showed an amazing performance. The game came down to a final drive to give them the win over Royal. In addition, we will say, it was a pleasure to see how quiet Brandon M. was during the game especially since we’re so used to his chatty behavior. Maybe he found a monastery on his recent trip to Europe and the monks taught him the Joy of Silence!
10 The Sandra Bullocks (Sand) 2-2
While their game against Yellow was low scoring, bringing the energy this game was Chris and his awesome 50 yard pick-6 to give Sand the win this week! We know one thing, Lamar better have shown him a great night afterwards cause yesterday, Chris…
11 Rock Hard (Graphite) 2-2
First of all, can we take a moment to appreciate Joe O. in those short shorts he wore! My Lawd!!!
Ok back to the games! Matt P. had an amazing defensive showing during his team’s wins over Coral and Burnt Orange. But the highlight was the game-stopping commotion caused by Marvin’s dropped flags. Mark H. claims to have touched Marvin before he made it to the endzone. Although his team already had a huge lead over Burnt Orange, Mark wanted to make it clear that Marvin did not outplay him.
12 Gold Dogs, New Tricks (Gold) 1-2
This was a rough day for the Gold team. But I think QB Matt Cline took the greatest hit as he hurt his hand, threw 4 picks and still had to ref two games after.
13 The Red Light District (Red) 1-2
This team really said they would like to have another week off…and so they did. Maybe they were all out celebrating our new NGFFL Commissioner, Mr. Joel Horton! Congratulations on the new role Joel! We are all so proud of you.
14 Blue World Order (Columbia Blue) 1-2
“We got spanked.” - Ben M. This may have been the first public spanking Ben M. did not personally enjoy.
15 Yellow Brick Loads (Yellow) 1-3
What can we say about this team? I’m serious, what can we say? They play a clean game of football. They are a no frills, no fuss, no drama team. At least not audibly. Nikki, Paul, and Tony were all aggressively communicating to each other via hand gestures. I’m curious if the league teaches you sign language after you put in 10 years?
Congratulations Nikki for reaching 10 years in the league! We are lucky to have you.
16 Rick Royal'd (Royal) 0-3
Heartbreaking loss for Captain JC (anyone know how many in a row this is for him?). They had the game in their hands with 51 seconds left. Unfortunately for them, Coral made some great moves down the field giving them the lead with only 17 seconds left. This may be a good time for JC to recalculate his algorithm on how to build a winning team because the math aint mathing.
17 Ready for this Kelly (Kelly Green) 0-4
If you think that providing desserts to the editor is going to increase your ranking, it just might (thanks Dwaylan!). We really hate the hand this team was dealt. Dorsey had a great performance during the first half of their game against White. Unfortunately, cockiness took over and it ended up being his Achilles heel in the second half. On the bright side, they picked up Cameron during the supplemental. We hope this team can pull it together soon…bring more desserts until then.
18 Yam It In (Burnt Orange) 0-4
You would think with an excellent QB like Marvin and Joe with his vast knowledge of the game as captain, this team would be a force in the league. Regrettably, this hasn’t been the case as the team has taken another loss courtesy of Graphite. Additionally, Noah sprained his ankle. He joins his boyfriend JC on the injured list. You know what they say about couples who sprain their ankles together? They stay injured together. Our staff members asked us what we think needs to happen to turn their luck around, especially with strong teams like Black and Lime next week. Our response: