Power Rankings

Reporting on this team’s game was sparse but the score speaks for itself. Check back in with us next week as we confirm whether they are still alive or if they just slipped out the back while the party was still going. They made an appearance, did their job (39 points worth!), and disappeared by the next morning. All indicators point to no signs of a struggle. The gay experience in a nutshell.

The tops were *to quote a Cards Against Humanity card* firing a rifle into the air while balls deep in a squealing hog. I honestly cannot think of a better descriptor for their dominant (yes, purposeful word choice) 38-0 win over those Pink Pigs (good thing they’re on PrEP!). Will they have their opponents begging for seconds next weekend or ghosting them after they didn’t like the session?

This writer is beginning to think that these Heathers’ first priority is to look really good while playing more than anything else. Between Jordan making replay-worth catches and INTs, Keyur diving between multiple receivers to make a catch, or Recto dancing around every defender on Silver - you could absolutely argue they’re only there for the Instagram-worthy clips. But truly, if this weekend is any indication, this team is deep and they’re not even all the way in. TBD if that makes or breaks the season.

It’s the first week back, so this team of veterans needed a little extra time to warm up after coming out of retirement. But once the Adderall kicked in and they had feeling back in whatever is left of their knees, they turned the game around with a 25+ point second half. The Twon-AJ gears needed a little oiling but soon will be back to being a well-lubricated machine for the whole game, and we all know it’s a tried and true formula for success in every situation.

As displeasing as this team name may be, they certainly throw their *hole* body into the game with Juan throwing his body around the field and sacrificing a tooth to the Carter Baron gods (and Benny’s head) <<WE INTERRUPT THIS BROADCAST WITH AN IMPORTANT NEWS BULLETIN>> A mild case of the receiver seizure fever is going around. Beware of sudden, involuntary convulsions of the body when trying to avoid a flag pull. All actions will be documented in perpetuity via Game Glimpse for public consumption and ridicule despite how good your previous reception and run were up until that point. There is no known cure.

Back to our main story – Charles D. was seen laying out JC on the last play of the game. Everyone was very pleased. That concludes our special news report.

These Bluety-Patooties with a touch of gray (yes there are several shall we say *experienced* members on this team) eeked out a close win against a disorganized Orange with a star turn from a returning from retirement Levert, supported by Zak S, Jamal, Jay, and other long-time league members. The Jim train stayed on track when all seemed lost, but a few stops on offense could mean a derailment is only one option-play-sized mistake away.

We KNOW they were riding good and high after their game against Black as Matt, Elijah, and Captain Alex all showed out - and some made sure to show off some skin and their gym gains afterward, now featured in person rather than just a star appearance in this season’s TAP video. Now that’s what we here call LEADERSHIP. Wyatt, meanwhile, snatched a game-ending interception to seal the deal and the league is anxiously waiting to see if he’ll be next on his team to show off some skin and gym gains at the fields after last season’s TAP video cameo. Come to think of it, plenty of competition here on *caught stripping at the field post-game* list. The public wants to know!

Step aside Brenda Over, there’s a younger, newer, fresher QB in town and she scored more points than *checks notes* three full-time QBs this weekend (you know who you are). So feel free to extend your vacation, all is well. While their game was a backup QB shootout, the team didn’t *foam* it in, spreading the ball across multiple receivers with Daniel B and Ivan putting up points and Christian snagging the game-ending TD. We’re still waiting to see if they’re putting together a winning agenda or if they only stay token opposition.

Sexxy with only two xx’s rather than XXX? Missed opportunity y’all - we’d still get the reference. You can try to keep it PG but we see your roster, you’re not fooling ANYBODY.

Despite taking the L this weekend, these self-proclaimed sexy mamas were looking strong with a solid core of receivers essentially catching everything thrown their way. Austin has all the tools he needs: from Andy A shaking his head every time he realizes he’s been here too long and JC attempting to prove whatever is left of his hamstring still works to Kenny showing up just in time to start stretching right at kickoff and Evan correcting the refs for another allegedly incorrect call yet again. I wouldn’t sleep on (or with) this team just yet.

Much like Dorothy couldn’t find her way home, the hoes couldn’t find their way to a win this week. But a loss after a high scoring game is nothing to scoff at - it’s only a matter of time before they discover that they had those red slippers all along to tap their way to the W. Let’s hope they discover that before one of the many bricks and stones half sticking out of the Carter Baron fields finds one too many of their otherwise solid roster.

Chrome Dome is hoping they didn’t hit the ceiling of their potential already after a tight game against the Birds of a Heather with highlight reel worthy touchdowns, and far too many dropped balls. Ben is clearly happy to have Morgan back on his squad this season with 2 TDs and a PAT but had a bad habit this week of also finding Jordan A. from blue on the other side of his throws. With a few small adjustments, we can probably expect the usual above 500 win ratio for the bald babes.

Despite sky-high expectations for this intrepid combination of large or *disproportionately loud to body size* personalities, Pumphim Spice was serving relatively little in terms of actual flavor this week. Perhaps a dash more salt next week (and a little less salt after the game)? A rush that would make any Bunker twink hitting their poppers at 2:00 AM jealous was undercut by a stunningly uncoordinated defense (despite Luie’s herculean efforts running back an INT on an extra point play to keep Orange in contention). Their offense had signs of life however with several contested receptions by a rotating core of receivers - so there’s spice, it’s just still in the rack.

It’s Week 1 so inevitably there must be a game between QB-less teams. Dan K stepped up at QB and led his offense in a close game to combat the Foamosexual Agenda. But like so many before them they were eventually turned just like the frogs - discovering their gay awakening thanks to the hard work of a few twinks and joined the cult of men personally victimized by being attracted to other men. Welcome!

Black That Ass Up - more like Black That Ass Up *behind the line of scrimmage.* This excitable team was far too ready to drop it like it’s hot that they struggled to stay still before the ball was hiked - leading to many, MANY false starts that ultimately cost them the game. We’ll make sure to get one of you a watch so you know when you’re allowed to run and when to run down the clock.

They thought they were entering their top era after closing out the first half with the lead, but instead found themselves true to their name, pants down, ass up in the second half - only scoring 1 TD to Purple’s 4. They will definitely appreciate having a few key players back later in the season to keep them from being vulnerable, young, and impressionable (at least Chris will appreciate not needing to scramble as much) but the jury is still out on whether it will be enough.

In a word from a team member, “Crickets…”