Power Rankings

The bad news: when you play a seven person sport against a team with five, it is unforgivable to open the game with a sack allowed. It’s honestly impressive. The good news: that was pretty much the only bad play for our Hole Milkers (and you thought this name couldn’t get worse). Carnell led the way with two touchdowns and three sacks as they dispatched the understaffed Yellow Bricked Hoes. Seven players scored (more than Yellow had for most of the game!) as this team continued to prove that Hole Milk is part of a balanced diet. Just take your lactaid, we know it doesn’t sit well with a lot of you girls.

This week the trees were finally chopped down to size. Their otherwise stalwart defenses got sawed through by Gold’s rush - leading to multiple sacks and a few frantic INTs by QB Chad. The power tops though were not about to be made the sub to Gold’s dom and snagged a few sacks themselves while putting up a few scores utilizing one of their strongest assets (and one befitting of their name). Height. They haven’t been beaten to a pulp yet though - they did only lose by 1 after all - so once they get their dominatrix outfit and riding crop out of the closet for Halloween they’ll make sure everyone knows who’s boss again. Make it work ladies.

Debate: Is he really hot or just tall?

QB Jim C. has got this offense humming. He’s put up 145 points so far this season, just seven points shy of scoring a point for every DCGFFL season he’s played. If one more team sleeps on Jim’s deep ball… he throws that thing like he’s not a day over 53. And it’s the most accurate fade in the league. Meanwhile, his stable of broke-leg receivers, led by Jamal “Something’s Wrong With My Knee” L. and Jay “I Think I Pulled My Hamstring” W., are playing lights out, filling the stat sheet with touchdowns and extra points. Next up is 0-5 Black, who thankfully will already be dressed for their own funeral!

The reverse cowgirls of Little Red Riding Good provided the early candidate for finish of the year: in a literal nailbiter, Wyatt found Matt R. in the front corner of the end zone for a buzzer beater as time expired. Matt R. is not only a contender for his usual league award (Most Sticked-and-Poked Player, Musical or Comedy), he’s a frontrunner for MVP with 9 touchdowns through five games. And after two championships, the League needs to learn the fundamental lesson: if you’re playing Little Red Riding Good and you keep Wyatt in it at the end of a game, he will huff and puff and… Wait wrong fairy tale. He’ll just beat you.

Team Truancy once again fielded an incomplete team for a big matchup, this time missing 80s babies and perennial Unc of the Year candidates Clem and Marvin. Nick W stepped in at QB and threw some great deep balls and had some spectacular runs. Over the course of the game, he developed strong chemistry with Austin P., connecting on several passes over the middle… wait did anyone tell Nick that Austin was on the opposing team? The breakout star of this game, though, was Adam T., who made some big catches and defensive plays. If they can arrange for a shuttle bus transportation from the Shady Birches Retirement Community and ensure the rest of their team arrives for kickoff, this team could be dangerous.

Austin P. looked like the pied piper leading his team of twinks, twanks (sorry, Binder), and normal sized person (Andy A.) to victory over an understaffed Kelly team. The Sexxy Red nominees for Excellence in Twinkdom include:

• Graham W., who scored a long touchdown, made great defensive plays, and is clearly still working on his celebrations.
• Austin P., who had two picks, four touchdowns, several good throws, and, for the first time in DCGFFL history, ZERO utterances of “That’s on me, guys.”
• Evan B. (grandfathered into the category), who ran approximately 27 5-and-out routes, a handful of which worked!
• JC A. (great-grandfathered into the category), who hobbled to the sidelines 21 seconds before kickoff bearing a captain bag with no flags.

Up next: the Golden Receivers, the king slayers of the Commanders Division. Can the slender Sexxxy Reds withstand the pups?

While some of his teammates were foaming at the mouth to fight with the refs and everyone on Orange, Brandon W. stayed cool, calm, and collected - living proof that you can age gracefully after 53 seasons in the league. It DOES get better. After getting a little Foamo watching Orange run up the score, the Foamosexuals (benefitting from some pretty pathetic defense from Orange) were able to rally in the second half to bring the game to a nailbiter finish rather than the pillowbiting finish they’re used to.

Despite missing some key players this week due to absences and injuries, Organization XIII remained a threat with QB Curtis spreading the ball around to all his receivers so Brandon K, Alex, and Sasha all put up points. Their chance to win the game, however, ended off an unfortunate tipped ball into the awaiting hands of the other blue team. They’re one getting-the-crew-back-together montage away from pulling off a big upset.

The most lovable, kind, demure team in the league lost a tough one against (checks notes) the PrEPpa Pigs. We hate to see it. However, maybe this will be the wake up call the Nurples need to stop twisting themselves in knots during games. Sources can confirm that the league has maxed out its liability insurance to pay for hardship claims filed by referees working Purple’s games. Let’s hope they mellow out a bit before their matchup against Hole Milk, with playoff positioning on the line.

This stacked team is starting to skid. After dropping two of their last three, the Committee is starting to wonder if the Birds’ goose is cooked. There were some bright spots, though. Captain Shaq had a great game and is tied for his team’s lead in touchdowns with four. But Shaq: on the last play of a one score game, you might want to focus in on defense instead of joking with the sideline… he was Shaqtin’ a fool.

Spooky season has scared the Pumphims back to life (or undeath?), turning in a second win in a row after losing several close games in a shaky start to the season. While they’re finally brewing up a few victories, there remains signs of frights still to come. Specifically, they have yet to play two solid halves - this week running up the board two scores at half only to limp into a 1-point victory by the end, largely due to missed flag pulls. Contrary to their bold name - they’re clearly afraid to touch him, let alone pump him. Catch Luie running from all the boys from one side of the field to the next, while Aaron can be seen throwing them (specifically Connor) off him whenever he goes up for a lofty pass. Another day of gays running from intimacy.

It should be noted that the two top teams in the league right now have both lost to this team. Is team “mom said I have to draft my brother” just lucky or were they sandbagging the first three games to snag a prime supplemental pick? The jury is still out but people are starting to ask questions..

Meanwhile, the other Hoyler brother allegedly returned to his football roots and fully tackled Ryan W. on Forest during one of the last plays of the game. A formal inquiry has been submitted and there is an ongoing investigation into this incident, all parties are currently cooperating through outside counsel, and we will be making no further comment at this time.

Internal squabbles may have temporarily hobbled this team and forced Zach to throw his boyfriend’s body on the line (physically and literally) but Pink rallied in the second half to nurple an unPrEPared Purple thanks to two pick-sixes from Jack L and Kevin H. However, we have yet to see whether Zach and Luke’s relationship has recovered - coming up on the next episode of Couples Therapy with Dr. Orna!

How do you solve a problem like attendance issues? Start the game with 5 players and pray more show up. Any team unfortunate enough to play 5 v 7 against the #1 ranked team would do well to study how James moved the ball (hint: spamming mesh routes to Paul). But there’s only so much you can do… hey, at least you covered the forfeit spread of 36!

Chrome got a win! CHROME GOT A WIN! It’s against also winless Black but it finally happened! With TJ away at a wedding this weekend, we’re left wondering if maybe he’s been holding back this team all along (we all remember those no-win seasons..) - we’re just putting the pieces together.

After a tight first half, Silver exploded to a 22-point lead by the end of the game, carried by scores by Adam M, Liam F, Morgan W, and Andy P and some clutch interceptions from QB Ben H. Our sources tell us Morgan had another stellar replay-worthy catch that went unrecorded (GameGlimpse technical support couldn’t be reached for comment) but we don’t believe it for a second - we’d be absolutely shocked, SHOCKED to hear he could pull off such an amazing aerial feat. Without documented evidence we will just have to leave it to your imaginations - just keep it PG y’all.

It’s been a rough season for Black That Ass Up. So rather than punch down, we’re going to lift up and say at least you’re halfway through the season! It will end eventually!

Fun fact: In every game so far, they have scored exactly 13 points. No more. No less. If this phenomenon continues, the league has committed to personally hire a paranormal expert to ensure no members of this team are cursed, or worse, straight. If any league members notice suspicious or unexplained activity such as talking about cars or a strong compulsion to listen to Dave Matthews Band you are strongly encouraged to notify the Board immediately.