Power Rankings

Ellen Ripley from Alien

Things are good now… but everyone around them keeps disappearing. Cash… Andre… Mark…anyone could be next..Is this an Alien/Halloween situation, or is this team so deep that they don’t need a full roster? We here at the committee remain skeptical as their aging joints give out and star players flee to the woods. But if they hold out long enough, they just might be the last one standing by the end of the season!

Nosferatu

One by one, Jim’s sucking the life out of younger teams, the only way of explaining his centuries of league success. We said last week that Black was already dressed for their funeral, and well..with Jim rising from his coffin to lead his team to a 39-0 score, and 3 INTs from Zak S. and 2 from Jay W., let’s just say we weren’t too far off.

Grimace

Grimace! An unsettling, lumpy purple guy with short arms and legs. Relatedly, Bryan S. had a solid game Sunday, tallying two TDs and an extra point while threatening to milk White’s linemen.

A big win for Purple Nurples against their fellow contenders Whole Milk that shakes up playoff seeding as we head into the season’s final stretch.

Ghosts

The Milked Men will be haunted by the last play in their loss to Purple. Cam – and every soul, both alive and dead – knew where AJ would go for the game-winner. Despite his well-timed jump on a comeback and his putting two hands on the ball, Twon came down with it.

Losses to the brothers on Gold and Purple’s brothers-from-another-mother will have a lingering effect on playoff seeding. Time will tell if they’ll exorcise their demons or be exercised by them.

Elizabeth Holmes

Like the Theranos entrepreneur herself, Austin is taking everything from everybody. And, for anyone who’s seen You Can See Everything… maybe they’re better off without their partner in crime, JC. (They’ve only lost while he’s on the field so correlation or causation? We think the trend line speaks for itself).

Andy and Evan continue to rack up points, and Evan’s rack stayed in place during the Midseason party this year! So the future is looking bright for everyone!

Werewolf

Wyatt E: Most days, a mild-mannered guy. Sunday mornings, a monster. He clawed through Orange this week, tossing 5 TD passes to lupine wide receivers Matt R and Andrew M. with efficiency.

But Little Red Riding Good narrowly dodged a silver bullet with a controversial call that kept Pumphim Spice out of the end zone on a two-point conversion that would have won them the game.

Wyatt usually gets spooky good heading into the playoffs. But the full moon is waning at the moment. Who knows what’ll happen, loca.

The Invisible Man

The Power Ranking Committee’s intrepid on field reporters and post-game stalkers (*ahem* researchers) could not dig up much on this team this weekend.

We know they came and dominated the first half. With six players no less! Everyone else having disappeared!

We know they held it together enough in the second. But much like our dignity 5 drinks in at the midseason party, any and all sign of them disappeared. For all their on-field success, we’re hoping they make a reappearance this weekend with a little more of an impression.

Norma Desmond from Sunset Boulevard

These one-time starlets thought they had their big break against Forrest. Moptop looked like a kid against Mossing yet another victim! Clem looked half his age slinging and sharing the love!

In the end, it wasn’t meant to be. The starring role in this comeback story went to someone else. A would-be go-ahead pick-6 plopped right into hands of the spry, ingénue Ryan W. who ran it in for a TD.

But if they keep playing this gutty, come playoffs, they’ll be “ready for their close-up, Mr. DeMille.”

Jekyll and Hyde

In true Jekyll and Hyde fashion - the agenda knows how to keep it in the closet until they come out flaming (foaming?) and fabulous. After coming back from a 21-0 deficit led by TDs from Christian A and Ivan T, they realized they weren’t the queen bee and let the Heathers storm down for one final TD to win. If they can own their foamosexuality all game long rather than hide in glass closets, they’ll be back in the W column in no time.

Brutus or Judas

Et tu?! With friends like these, it’s no wonder they only draft siblings. Pope, of all people, not only scored a TD on but also sacked his best friend, Chris.

He must’ve felt doubly betrayed: None of the prayers Chris threw up Sunday were answered by anyone but Austin. Looking ahead to the playoffs, Gold’s offense is going to need more than a few Hail Marys to reach the promised land.

Houdini

Yellow Bricked Hoes play the escape artists and get a hit of Radical Optimism * * with a big last-second goal-line stand to fend off the PrEPpa Pigs. Two timely picks from Antonio L and James E were reportedly the difference here.

Can they build enough momentum to keep their season from flopping like that Dua Lipa album you all slept on? Or is this win just an ”Illusion”?

Frankenstein and Bride/Husband/Boyfriend of Frankenstein

The bad news - Pink lost this week in heartbreaking fashion when time expired as they reached the one yard line on the potential game-winning drive.

The good news - Pink is generally showing signs of life, going 2-2 after a rough start and playing well in both of those losses. Zach finally threw a touchdown to Luke, potentially saving their relationship – but is their love enough to save their season?

(The Power Ranking Committee will hunt down anyone who points out that it’s actually “Frankenstein’s monster.”)

Danny Ocean (or Brad Pitt?)

Silver was firing on all cylinders Sunday, scoring 33 in the first half on the way to routing Sapphire 51-21. Chrome Dome’s rush bedeviled Curtis all game – star rusher Liam F had 4 sacks and 2 TDs in an MVP-caliber performance.

Ben spread the ball around well and looked shockingly spry on a few long runs to sink HOcean’s 13. After a rough start, maybe he can still get the band back together for a championship heist?

Forrest Gump

Curtis was forced to run for his life for most of the game from a suddenly dangerous Silver pass rush on Sunday. Though the rookie QB had some very nice dimes to Cam B. and Dan K when he had even a sliver of time.

This team has the talent, but who will protect their quarterback?

Animal

Orange will tell you their loss is *solely* attributed to a loudly scrutinized call on the final play to win the game. But if you really want to hear actual loud scrutiny, just listen to their huddle between every play. And we mean every. single. play. Grunts! Growls! Shouts! Argh’s! Chaos! Talk about “Electric Mayhem!”

Maybe if their hands moved a little less like the muppet drummer’s, they would’ve caught more balls. We saw those dropped passes!

But this take is too spicy: They largely have only lost to teams by 1 point. They’re one speech from Kermit the Frog about “sticking together” away from saving their season.

Batman

As Michael Caine once Tweeted: “Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up. Batman Begin”

We’re sending thoughts and prayers. That’s always worked before!